C-Section is a go

We saw Dr. Louis on Tuesday and he has agreed to schedule a c-section. Shai's birthday will be May 2, pending on any changes that may happen. He also informed us that we will get one more sonogram at 30 weeks. That is encouraging, we would really like to see our son one more time before he is born. Dr. Louis got a little nervous because he couldn't find Shai's heartbeat as fast as he usually can. I knew it was there because Shai had been moving around like crazy all that morning. He finally found it. I knew he would, a mother just knows.

One of my concerns is the day Shai will be born. He will be born on the week of Mother's Day. I cannot begin to express how that makes me feel. It is a complex set of emotions that I am not sure how to work out.

Pete will be leaving for Iraq two weeks after the funeral. Please pray for him as he will have to leave his family after loosing his son. I can not imagine some of what he must be feeling. I know he is being placed in a unique situation. There are several Christians that will be there with him and that brings me great joy and peace. I know he will not be alone.

Just wanted to post a small update on things!

This Little Light of Mine

I just wanted to post a little pic to show how Shai is coming along and to give a brief little update on things. As you can see Texas is as warm as ever. As I am writing we are sitting at a steamy 77 here in Salado. Therefore the shorts have come out, making me look a bit crazy to those around me. In the last couple of weeks Shai has really started to pop out.  He's been moving around a lot. Some of his favorite times have been hiking in the Texas Parks over the last couple of weekends. Every time we would stop for a break, Shai would kick and remind me that he liked the activity. :)

We have another doctor's appointment tomorrow at 11:00am. We have two pressing questions that we want to ask Dr. Louis about Shai. We have done some research and have discovered that these little ones have more of a chance of survival outside the womb if there is a c-section. It makes sense considering they do not have a skull to help them out of the birth canal. It is less stressful on them if a c-section is performed. Don't get me wrong, many have been known to live through a natural birth, it is just that more seem to survive more if there is a c-section. So Pete and I have prayed and we have decided that is the kind of birth we would like. If we can increase the chances of his survival for even a minute then it is worth it to us. We want to hold him in our arms and be able to say goodbye and tell him that we love him. In the end we know God has full control. We are going to ask Dr. Louis tomorrow if he will perform a scheduled c-section. The great thing about that is, more of our family and friends could be present and that is really important to us. If at all possible we would like those closest to us to see and hold Shai before he goes home to our Lord. The other request is that we would like to have a 4-D sonogram done of Shai, for two reasons. The first is, we would love to see our little one with the detail those sonograms provide. The other is, we would like to get a grasp on the severity of his physical deformities before he is born. We would like to be prepared as much as we can be. We know we can't fully know but that is a way we can get an idea. The place we want to use requires a doctor recommendation so we need our doctor's approval.

I also wanted to share this little revelation that God showed me the other day. Amelia and I routinely go for walks with her wagon when Pete is at work. I try to sing kid friendly praise songs, though I don't know many. :) One of my favorites is "This Little Light of Mine". I was singing and one of the phrases stood out so sharply that I stopped singing and started praying. The phrase is "Don't let satan blow it out, I'm going to let it shine, don't let satan blow it out, I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine." This might sound silly but the verse Genesis 50:20 says ^"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. "  Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy. He is always lurking and wants our view to be taken off who God is and put in a place that allows him to blow our light out. He has pressed hard in our family over the last few weeks to blow our light out and intend harm for us through the diagnosis of Shai. He wants to blow our light out for Christ so that we might not see all the great things that God could do through these circumstances. We have already seen and heard so many testimonies of how Shai's life has reached out to others and touched their lives. How it has encouraged their faith and spurred them on in a difficult trial they have to face. It has renewed and deepened their faith. I cannot express how comforting those testimonies are in this time. To know that God is already using something that satan intends for harm and making it into something beautiful. God has our family in His big hands as I have said time and time again. He is right here with us and He is already showing himself mighty. Our little Shai is already touching lives for the Lord and he is not even outside my womb. PRIASE GOD!! My biggest prayer is that Shai would touch lives and cause others to see a bigger picture. To see a God who is mighty, strong and a redeemer. Thank you God for taking something meant for evil and allowing us to already see some of the good you have planned. I needed that reminder because the days can get long but God knew that and provided that truth for me.

Thank you as always for your prayers and support. We have seen what it truly means to be in fellowship. We feel a deep peace knowing that we are not walking this road alone.

Difficult Day

Today has been one of those days. All our family has left and there has been plenty of time to really be by myself. I didn't realize how much being alone would bring about more thoughts. It's funny, the time we have right now with Shai brings nothing but joy and peace. I love feeling him move and now I can see him move. I love watching my belly grow and how Amelia loves to run up and hug Shai. She is only 15 months old but when I ask her where Shai is, she immediately runs to my belly and hugs it. I feel so blessed that the Lord has given her some sense of understanding in regards to Shai. It still hurts that she will not really remember her brother or his short life. Those little things make that knowledge a little easier.

It is so hard when I take the time to think about the birth. I have never watched the life of someone leave their bodies let alone the precious life of my own child. I will be honest, that is where my faith is at times shaken. It scares me, the unknown of knowing what that process will look like. The last thing I want is for him to suffer more than I would like him to. Will I have the strength to watch his life leave from my very arms.  I know that God has an ultimate plan, a great plan. It is a plan I can not see in full at this time and I might never see it to the fullest but it has been so hard the last couple of days to believe the verse that in ALL things God works together for good those who love Him. Can I be honest? There are times that I selfishly want to say, "I don't care what the plan is", I want to watch Shai grow up. I want to see him play baseball with his dad. I want to kiss his wounds and watch him grow up. I want to see him grow into the man I always dreamed of him being. I confess, my heart is not always the bedrock of strength. :) Praise God that we have a father that constantly meets us right where we are. It's in those times that I am reminded of who He is and the strength He gives. A friend reminded me of an encouraging verse. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As we trust and have faith that God is who He says He is and that He has a plan that works together all things for our good, His very spirit will give us the joy, strength, and peace we so desperately need at this time. He is a God who brings HOPE. Hope in the midst of fear and desperation. Even now as I write these words with my heavy heart, that truth lightens the load and brings about peace.

I will end with this calming view of Shai's life leaving this earth. A precious friend told me this once and she is right. Shai is in the warmth  and closeness of my womb. He can feel my heartbeat and movements. It is peaceful. He is not experiencing the pains and hurts of this fallen world. He will come into the world and God willing have a brief time to spend with us before he heads straight into the arms of Christ. He will meet the very God who created the universe and his precious life. He will walk the streets of gold and never experience living in this fallen world. His body will be perfect and he will spend eternity is peace, love, laughter and the praising of our GOD! AMEN! He gets to go home and be with his ABBA father! 

If you read this post, thanks. I just needed to write through some emotions. -God Bless-

I Will Carry You

Just wanted to let everyone know how the doctors visit went with Shai. Sorry it has taken so long to post. Pete and I went on a nice trip to Spokane Washington. I am still in love with that state.

Shai is doing as well as expected. His heart beat was 150bpm and he is moving around consistently. I am a little small, which is expected. I am not retaining amniotic fluid, praise GOD! Doctor Louis scheduled us another appointment in a month from now on February 22. We are blessed to have more time with this sweet boy.

We are about to start the process of picking a funeral home and setting up the arrangements for the funeral. I have to admit, I do not want to walk this part. How do we pick out a casket for our child. It is so unnatural. Their are so many questions they will want answered and all I want to do is run and hide in the deepest parts of somewhere far away. Again, God will give us the strength to walk this part. He has with every part and decision thus far. We trust Him. He will carry us through this valley of darkness. He will walk us beside still waters and calm our fearful and aching hearts.

The lead singer of Selah and his wife had a daughter they decided to carry to term even thought the prognosis was death. They walked the road, trusted God and gave their little girl back into His hands shortly after her birth. He wrote a beautiful song to document their decision. It is called "I will carry you". I have attached the link for anyone that might want to listen. I have also copied the lyrics below. It truly captures how Pete and I feel. His wife, Angie Smith, has also written a book called "I will carry you" which has been a comforting read in this time. If you ever have the time, I encourage you to read their story. It is beautiful to see how God took something devastating and turned into something wonderful.

Thank you again for all of the prayers, love and support. We can not thank everyone enough. Please know your prayers for peace are working.

"I Will Carry You"

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

The song can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

Kicker Shai

We just wanted to post a little update on how Shai is doing as of late. He LOVES to kick and move. His kicks are getting stronger day by day. Pete was finally able to feel him kick for the first time this week. I believe it was really special for him. You would think those kicks would be a painful reminder of what lays ahead for Shai and our family but it actually makes my heart joyful to feel each and every one. Every kick means we have another precious day with Shai. I have grown to look forward to the times when he moves inside.

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 10:30a before Pete and I leave for our trip to Washington state. I have to admit these appointments tend to spring up a little apprehension in my heart. I can have some control issues and I want to be able to make everything okay. We trust that God has his precious, little life in His BIG hands. Please pray that everything looks good and that I am not starting to retain too much amniotic fluid. That is a problem that can arise with these little ones when they are in the womb. They do not have the brain function to swallow the fluid like normal babies. That means I can start to retain too much fluid and have to deliver Shai earlier than planned or expected.

Several people have asked me if we believe that God can heal Shai and if He will. I have pondered on this question and prayed fervently for Shai's healing. I DO believe that God is fully capable of healing little Shai. He is the same God that created the universe and all within it. He has done miracles from the Old Testament to the New Testament. So YES, GOD IS ABLE!!! However, I also know that God is bigger than I am and sees a far greater picture than I do. Pete and I work in the children's ministry at our church on Sundays. We are beginning to study Mark and the lesson we had this past week is about how Jesus forgives and heals the paralytic man whose friends brought him to Jesus. It can be found in Mark 2: 1-13. What great faith those friends had to believe that if they could just get their friend to Jesus, he would be healed. They carried him all the way to see Jesus and then lowered him through the roof because they could not get through the crowds any other way. Jesus did not do what they expected however, he did something greater! He forgave the man of his sins because He saw his great faith. When questioned about his authority to do these things, he healed the man of his physical ailments. The first and most important thing Jesus did was to forgive this man and allow him to have eternity with God. As I have looked at miracles in the bible, the purpose was always to bring God glory and make His name known. So here is how I see it.  If Shai's life can bring God the most glory by being short but precious and valuable, then so be it. If Shai's life can bring Him the most Glory by being healed miraculously, then wonderful! No matter what, we want Shai's life on this earth to have meaning and purpose. This has not always been easy to grasp on this journey so far.  I want to see my child grow and be a part of his wonderful life on this earth. We cry many tears for the life that we will probably not get to see. We continue to trust in who God is and the fact that He has a plan for our lives and Shai's life that is far greater than we can think or imagine.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. They truly have brought us so much comfort in this time of our lives!

Learning to be thankful in the midst of darkness

It has been astounding to see how much love that people have shown to our family over the last few days. It has truly amazed Pete and I. One of the greatest comforts comes from the saddest of stories. I can not believe how many mothers and fathers have had to grieve the same thing that Pete and I have. The stories that others have shared have reminded me of the blessings that God has given me and His goodness to walk us through this journey. These are the kinds of stories that make your heart long for Christ to return and restore all things new. We want everyone to know how grateful we are for the love, prayers and support. They have meant more to us than you will ever know. I am reminded of the verse in Philippians 4 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Because of your prayers and petitions for us before God, Pete and I have a peace that would not be possible without them. This used to be one of my favorite verses but as of late it has become a hard verse to live out. Not the part about bringing your requests before God but providing thanksgiving as well. What?? Thanksgiving! My heart hurts, my husband is hurting, our daughter will never know her precious brother, Pete is still leaving for Iraq after Shai is born. What is there to be thankful for. That is just laying it out bare with where my heart is at times. However, the Lord has ever so gently through others stories and his loving spirit, reminded me of the things that I am so thankful for. Praise Him that I have the most calm, sincere, loving, patient, God fearing and God loving husband. There is no one I would rather walk this road than with him by my side. Praise God that I have been given the gift of a healthy child. Amelia is a beautiful, loving, stubborn, smart, FUNNY, cuddly girl that I can not imagine life without. There are couples that long to hold their own child and God has given Pete and I that opportunity. Praise God that He has allowed us the opportunity to carry our precious Shai. He is ours and God is allowing us to carry him and be a part of his short life. What a joy that we have this time. Praise Him that He is already showing His glory through Shai's life by touching other people. I have to allow myself to see the joy to work through the pain. Pain and trials are a part of this fallen world. However we have a God that allows those trials to grow and mold us into something far greater than ourselves. Shai is causing a growth in our hearts that would not be possible without his existence. What a powerful testimony for God he has and he is still in my womb. I will not pretend that the hurt is not deep. There are moments the tears don't stop and the darkness surrounds us in the worst of ways. I am just saying that God is there and is giving us a peace that surpasses all understanding.

My Heart and Flesh May Fail

Okay, I have to be honest. The last few days have been like walking through a terrible yet peaceful dream. Pete and I are completely at peace with our decision to carry Shai until the Lord takes him home but my heart still aches like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel this precious baby moving in my womb and kicking me as hard as possible, reminding me that he is still there. It feels amazing yet hurts more deeply than words can express. The question of "Why" has come more into my thoughts. Why would God allow us to carry this baby and then take him back into His arms. This and the fear of what the future holds have kept me so awake over the last couple of nights I am a walking zombie in the day time. The nights are the hardest. It is the time my heart and mind go wild with thought. I know with all my heart that God is good, faithful, merciful, loving and sovereign but at times that does not seem to comfort my grieving heart. Like the Psalms say " My heart and flesh my fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Oh how my heart has failed to believe sometimes and the grief comes over me so hard and fast I don't think  I can survive. However, all I can repeat lately is that God is my strength and my portion. It is all I can say at times as the pain drifts back to my heart again. God give me strength to take one more step to be the mother to the first precious child you have blessed me with. I still have to survive, I still have a daughter and a husband that need my time, attention and love. I can not be swallowed up by the depths of grief to never come up and see the light. I love Shai and I am so blessed that I am feeling him move inside my womb. Blessed be to God that I can still feel my precious baby move. Oh God, give us the strength to trust you and place one foot in front of the other.