I don't know if anyone still looks at this blog but I think I am going to continue writing in it during Pete's deployment. It has been so nice to just write out my thoughts.
It is hard to believe that it has been a month since we laid our sweet Shai to rest in the Veterans Cemetery. I can't believe how time just seems to fly by. It really does remind me how much my life is just a vapor, here for today and gone tomorrow. There are times that we laugh and everything seems so normal and then something happens to remind me of Shai and my heart longs to hold him in my arms. Those are the times I ask God to hold him a little tighter for me. We go out and visit his grave. It somehow brings peace to just have a place to sit and talk to him. His grave is almost covered with grass, when others have yet to sprout one piece. It makes me smile because it reminds me of the life God brings and how He has used Shai's life in great ways.
We are going into the last few days before Pete's deployment. Can I be honest? I am a bit nervous. It was just a short time ago that I said goodbye to my son and now my best friend and love is going into war yet again. Every army wife has a small fear in the back of their mind that their spouse might not come home. It is just a reality that we live with. It is a fear that must be laid at the feet of Jesus time and time again. After loosing Shai, my human nature comes out and I am afraid to loose Pete as well. I have even struggled with dreams of Pete not coming home. Yet again, I must trust the one I love into the hands of God. This seems to be the song of my life lately. Trust. Hope.
Through this journey with Shai, God is showing me that I am in control of nothing. When I try to control the circumstances in my life and try to make my life the way I desire it, I loose control. It is exhausting. The one thing I have learned and continue to learn as I read and trust is that God wants to be in control and He must be in control. I started thinking about the Lord's prayer and one part of that prayer says "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done." What do those words truly mean? If I am asking him to truly have his Kingdom and His Will come to earth in the here and now, I have to lay down my control and what I think would be best for it. That might mean temporary pain in the here and now, knowing that it will all work for a greater purpose. True peace comes from when I open my hands, lay out prostrate and tell him that my life is about His Kingdom coming and His will being done. My life is not my own, it was bought at a price. At the moment I tasted that sweet grace on my parched lips, I offered Him my life. It is no longer to be lived for myself but for Him alone. As I think about Shai, I think about that. When we lifted our hands to God and said your will be done, a peace surrounded us that was greater than anything I had ever experienced. We knew that our son was going to live a short life but we trusted that God's will would be done and we trusted that His will is good. The lives that have been touched by Shai remind me every day of what trusting God and laying down your will for His will can do. I am reading a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts", it has been a great read and one of the things she says is that " you have to look through the ugly to see the beautiful." Amen! When we trust God in every situation and lay EVERYTHING at His feet and thank Him for the beauty within the ugly we have joy and peace that goes beyond understanding.
All this to say, I don't know what God's will is for Pete. I must choose to focus on the truth and not the lies. I must not go down the bunny trail. The truth is, God does have a good and perfect plan for Pete's life. His will is the one we seek. We trust that God works everything out for those who love him. No matter what the future holds, God is holding our days and we can trust that God is good. God is holding both of our hands. I will miss him with every breath. He is my companion and I will miss having him beside me for this temporary time. I am honored to serve beside him. I could not feel more grateful to be his wife. Lord, your will be done. We will choose to trust. Please give us the strength when we have none. Show us mercy and remind us of who you are and continue to be.
