So, it has been two months since our sweet Shai went home to be with the Lord. In that time, Pete left for Iraq at the beginning of May and my precious mother-in-law went back to California at the end of May. So here we are, Amelia and I. We passed May 29th which was set to be Shai's original due date. I doubt I would have gone to my due date. If the saying is true that the second one comes faster, Shai would have probably been born about three weeks early.
Anyway, that day was hard. I think about him almost every day. Maybe that sounds like I am a bad mommy but I must admit that becoming a 24/7 single parent makes my mind a little foggy at times. There are times when I think of him that I smile and remember the joy that his little life has brought to ours and to so many others. Then there are times, if I am honest, that I mourn my loss yet again. I think about what he should be doing at two months. What would he have looked like? Would Amelia love him? I am sure she would. I am trying to still piece together what the Lord is wanting to reveal to me through this season of life. It has been one of the most confusing and difficult seasons I have ever walked through. I know one thing He has revealed to me is that His strength is truly made perfect in my weakness. I can not explain it but I know He is holding me tight in His grip in the every day ebb and flow of my life. Every morning I wake up He gently reminds me that it is a day with new mercies. Thank goodness! I must admit that I don't always cling to those gentle reminders. Take yesterday for instance. It was the fourth day that Amelia and I had been just her and I since grandma left. She decided that it would be a day that she would wake up about 6:30am instead of 7:00am. Let me tell you, those 30 minutes can make a world of difference. So I rolled out of bed and accidentally knocked my water off the bedside table. At that moment God's gentle reminder was drowned out by my grumbling heart saying " Well isn't this just dandy, what a great day this will be." It then followed with a grumpy toddler that would not break from her sour mood for anything. She was probably feeding off of mommy's sour mood. :) So all day we fussed with one another and the day was just an off day. We both missed daddy like crazy. That afternoon, I was in need of some Starbucks coffee. I always go to a particular one near my house and I must confess I go a lot because they know who I am. I drove up to the window and the girl on the other side must have seen frustration written all over my face because she gently said, well at least it is the weekend. I smiled and drove away but inside I was thinking HAHAHAHA. If you are a military wife, a wife of a husband that works a lot and you might as well be a single mom or a single mom, let me ask you a question. Is there every anything called a weekend???? Weekends are supposed to be about rest, relaxation, family time. Instead in my life, I am constantly supposed to be on. There are no weekends when daddy is gone and I am to be everything that little girl needs. Where is my rest, who do I lean on???
Do nothing without grumbling and complaining but in everything rejoice and give thanks. There are just those days, that just does not come easy. I went home and that night I was talking to God and telling Him that I was failing and I could not do this. I miss my husband, I need him, I miss Shai, I don't know how to work through all of my feelings, how can I be a good mommy to Amelia in this time. What do I do??? How can I make this season of life something of worth, something that glorifies your name and makes this year a year of growth. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9
I am weary. How could I not be. If you have ever walked down a difficult road, whatever it may be, our bodies just grow weary and tired through the process. But again, there is hope!! I do have a place to go, where I can be completely honest and open with my feelings and let someone much bigger than I take the burden for me. Who is this much bigger being, Christ. If I want to make this year something great rather than something mediocre, I have to give this tired, weary body and mind back to God and allow him to bring strength, EVERY minute. That way when the strength comes and great things happen. He will get the praise and the glory. I don't want to live every day waiting for the sun to go down just for another day to come. I want to live in the rest and freedom that Christ brings into my life. I want this year to be life changing for my family, not just a year countdown to when we can start living again.
