Well, the time has come. I had been thinking that my stomach was getting bigger than it should. That was confirmed this morning at our doctor's appointment. I am a little over 30 weeks and I am measuring at 35 weeks. He sent us to a have a sonogram to confirm his suspicions. The sonographer was the same one we had before and we felt blessed that she was there for this one. She let us see every part of his precious body. We even got to see his huge feet. No joke, that kid has some mean kickers. Nothing has changed and the diagnosis remains the same. I also have way too much amniotic fluid. We went back and spoke with my doctor and he said that it is time to take Shai. We have been planning one final family vacation before we found out that will start next week. He has been gracious and let us go on that vacation. He says there is no immediate danger but Monday, April 4th, after our vacation, we will have our c-section.
I don't have much to say or write. My emotions are a little bit of everywhere. We have two precious weeks left with our Shai. He is beautiful and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for a brief time.
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
I love you Shai........
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hard weekend, Good lesson
Just wanted to do our weekly update. We are 30 weeks along and I look like I am about 37. :) It has been painful because all of Shai is belly. Amelia sorta expanded everywhere. Shai looks like a gigantic basketball in my tummy. He does not move as much but neither did Amelia when she got to the 30th week. I am doing kick counts and he has his times of day that he moves. As always it is such a joy to feel those kicks. God has given us one extra little blessing with this pregnancy. I felt Amelia move but I never really saw her move. She was always in the back. With Shai, we are always seeing him move. It is the coolest thing ever. I am grateful to have the opportunity to see it. Our next appointment is a week from today. We will schedule our last sonogram at that time. We are excited to see him again. It has been a while.
This past weekend has been particularly hard for me. I am grateful that I have a loving and patient husband because I spent most of it an emotional basket case. Everything made me cry and I do mean everything. From a coffee commercial to a piece of ice that melted faster than I wanted it to, seriously. On a serious note, I believe the tragedy of the recent Japan quake and tsunami struck a lot of nerves with me. Looking at the devastated faces of those people reminded me of our upcoming loss. I can't believe we are down to the last six weeks. Our time with our precious Shai is drawing to a near on this earth. The reality of it all is hitting hard again. Then we went to church on Sunday and the pastor gave a sermon that struck a lot of things in my heart but something in particular to our situation. His talk was over pride vs. humility and he was looking at John the Baptist. The particular scripture he looked at was John 3:22-36. One of the things he mentioned was how John had this awesome ministry proclaiming Christ until He came. When Jesus came, everyone wanted to be with Jesus. That was a good thing. However, John could have kicked and screamed at loosing his ministry and fame. Instead he said that he must decrease so that Christ would increase. He had great humility. Okay at this point you might be saying, Kristin where are you going with this. Hang on for a minute. Our pastor then mentioned a quote from C.J. Mahoney when he was describing what pride was. I am only mentioning the last part because that is what struck me. He said that pride was refusing to admit to our need of God.
Here is a little background. I am a control freak. It is something I struggle with daily. I can fix anything in my life. I can make everything better. I have the strength to make it through anything. The problem is I am being prideful and I can't do those things. There is a scripture that says God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble. I believe that is one of the reasons this past weekend was so hard on me. I was not trusting God and trying to take it all onto myself. I wanted to fix Shai, stop my family from hurting, help the people in Japan, and stop Pete from deploying or put him in a plastic bubble where nothing can happen to him. After all, how can I loose Pete in Iraq after just loosing a child. Instead of taking my fear and worry to God, I relied on my own strength. You know where it got me. I ended up not sleeping more than an hour each night, crying about 4 hours each day, constant anxiety and nothing changing in our situation. I don't have the strength and when I try to muster it, I just end up tired and emotionally exhausted.
The bible tells me to cast all my worries on Him and He will carry my burdens. It also tells me to not lean own my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. I also desperately want the grace that He bestows when I humbly say that I am weak and need Him for every moment, every step and every breath. He longs to be the strength that I am thirsting for but I have to be willing to ask. So I did. Is the pain and worry still there. Yeah, but it is not as intense because I keep taking it back to Him. Pain and hurt is real. It is part of being human. However, it is what I choose to do with it that is my decision. I can try to bottle it up and deal with it myself and cause a lot of unneeded stress or I can cast my cares upon Him and let Him deal with all the details. It truly has brought more peace these last few days. As far as Pete goes, He is in God's hands. He is a precious creation of His and I need to trust that God has Him in His big hands as well.
Sorry so long. I just wanted to share what I learned. Thanks for being such a support.
This past weekend has been particularly hard for me. I am grateful that I have a loving and patient husband because I spent most of it an emotional basket case. Everything made me cry and I do mean everything. From a coffee commercial to a piece of ice that melted faster than I wanted it to, seriously. On a serious note, I believe the tragedy of the recent Japan quake and tsunami struck a lot of nerves with me. Looking at the devastated faces of those people reminded me of our upcoming loss. I can't believe we are down to the last six weeks. Our time with our precious Shai is drawing to a near on this earth. The reality of it all is hitting hard again. Then we went to church on Sunday and the pastor gave a sermon that struck a lot of things in my heart but something in particular to our situation. His talk was over pride vs. humility and he was looking at John the Baptist. The particular scripture he looked at was John 3:22-36. One of the things he mentioned was how John had this awesome ministry proclaiming Christ until He came. When Jesus came, everyone wanted to be with Jesus. That was a good thing. However, John could have kicked and screamed at loosing his ministry and fame. Instead he said that he must decrease so that Christ would increase. He had great humility. Okay at this point you might be saying, Kristin where are you going with this. Hang on for a minute. Our pastor then mentioned a quote from C.J. Mahoney when he was describing what pride was. I am only mentioning the last part because that is what struck me. He said that pride was refusing to admit to our need of God.
Here is a little background. I am a control freak. It is something I struggle with daily. I can fix anything in my life. I can make everything better. I have the strength to make it through anything. The problem is I am being prideful and I can't do those things. There is a scripture that says God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble. I believe that is one of the reasons this past weekend was so hard on me. I was not trusting God and trying to take it all onto myself. I wanted to fix Shai, stop my family from hurting, help the people in Japan, and stop Pete from deploying or put him in a plastic bubble where nothing can happen to him. After all, how can I loose Pete in Iraq after just loosing a child. Instead of taking my fear and worry to God, I relied on my own strength. You know where it got me. I ended up not sleeping more than an hour each night, crying about 4 hours each day, constant anxiety and nothing changing in our situation. I don't have the strength and when I try to muster it, I just end up tired and emotionally exhausted.
The bible tells me to cast all my worries on Him and He will carry my burdens. It also tells me to not lean own my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. I also desperately want the grace that He bestows when I humbly say that I am weak and need Him for every moment, every step and every breath. He longs to be the strength that I am thirsting for but I have to be willing to ask. So I did. Is the pain and worry still there. Yeah, but it is not as intense because I keep taking it back to Him. Pain and hurt is real. It is part of being human. However, it is what I choose to do with it that is my decision. I can try to bottle it up and deal with it myself and cause a lot of unneeded stress or I can cast my cares upon Him and let Him deal with all the details. It truly has brought more peace these last few days. As far as Pete goes, He is in God's hands. He is a precious creation of His and I need to trust that God has Him in His big hands as well.
Sorry so long. I just wanted to share what I learned. Thanks for being such a support.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Funeral Homes
Pete was supposed to fly to Alabama today to drop off an Apache helicopter. He would have been gone all day and possibly through the night. God knew my anxious heart however and Pete did not end up flying to Alabama today because of bad weather. Why did I have an anxious heart? We are now 7 weeks away from delivering Shai. We had not, until today, went and visited funeral homes to find out who would take care of our precious son's body after he goes home to be with the Lord. Pete has had so much to do at work, with deployments, that we have had no time to visit. For some reason the need to visit has been pressing hard on my heart and God knew. Pete called this morning and said " Lets go look at funeral homes because I am not flying and don't have anything else planned." God answers even the silent prayers of our hearts.
We visited two that have been suggested. Is there ever a "good" day to do this process. Both were kind, compassionate and helpful. What a blessing they both offered when they said that there is no charge for any of their services when it is an infant. The only costs will be the gravesite, casket and any other things we might want. Then one of them asked the question, "are you emotionally ready to see the caskets." Am I emotionally ready to see the caskets? Hmmm....no......but I don't think I will ever be. There is no time like the present, "let's go." I stood in this closet where they were housed and was amazed. They are so tiny that they fit into a standard walk in closet. She pointed politely to the one she thought might suit our needs. It was at that point my head starting spinning and for a second I thought I might pass out. Okay, breathe, God is with you, even now. God give me the strength, I can't do this without you. The tears starting welling and I said, "so this is it." I can not imagine how many grieving mothers and fathers have stood in that same position with the same spinning and aching feeling surging through their bodies. If you are one of those that has stood in that position, I am truly sorry. There is no pain I have felt that is greater. As we left those funeral homes I asked Pete what he thought. He said he just wants the best for Shai. It will be the last physical gift we will give him and we want it to be precious. Oh Lord, the cords of death are entangling us.
We don't know which funeral home we will go with as of yet. We do know the process now and are grateful that both options are welcoming. I truly believe they will take the best care of Shai and our family after he is out of our hands.
I was driving home from having lunch with Pete and the lies starting creeping. Was it because I am a bad mother to Amelia? I know I have messed up? Do I not love her enough? Am I not pointing her to God as much as I should? I should have known that I needed more folic acid in my diet? What did I do God? Just tell me?? These questions come into my mind more than I would like. They tear at my soul. When you become a mother all you want to do is protect, nurture and love your child. When I found out about Shai, I instinctively felt like I had done something terribly wrong and let my child down. I wanted to hold tight to the belief that it was all in my control. The truth is, God is in control. He has known Shai long before Pete or I knew of his existence. He has cared for and created him in my womb. He knows the last moment when Shai will take his last breath on this earth. Shai is His creation, created for His purposes. There are some things in this life that are not caused by our immediate actions. They happen because we live in a fallen and broken world. There is hurting, pain and evil. As Job says in the bible "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Life is in God's hands. Job was blameless when EVERYTHING was taken away from him, yet he still speaks the words above. He knew who God was and he trusted Him. God never told Job the full reason for his trials and suffering, He just reminded Job of who He was. That is the kind of faith I am seeking. I may never have the answer to "why" but God is always reminding me of who He is.
"I love you, O Lord, my strength, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so I shall be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18: 1-3
We visited two that have been suggested. Is there ever a "good" day to do this process. Both were kind, compassionate and helpful. What a blessing they both offered when they said that there is no charge for any of their services when it is an infant. The only costs will be the gravesite, casket and any other things we might want. Then one of them asked the question, "are you emotionally ready to see the caskets." Am I emotionally ready to see the caskets? Hmmm....no......but I don't think I will ever be. There is no time like the present, "let's go." I stood in this closet where they were housed and was amazed. They are so tiny that they fit into a standard walk in closet. She pointed politely to the one she thought might suit our needs. It was at that point my head starting spinning and for a second I thought I might pass out. Okay, breathe, God is with you, even now. God give me the strength, I can't do this without you. The tears starting welling and I said, "so this is it." I can not imagine how many grieving mothers and fathers have stood in that same position with the same spinning and aching feeling surging through their bodies. If you are one of those that has stood in that position, I am truly sorry. There is no pain I have felt that is greater. As we left those funeral homes I asked Pete what he thought. He said he just wants the best for Shai. It will be the last physical gift we will give him and we want it to be precious. Oh Lord, the cords of death are entangling us.
We don't know which funeral home we will go with as of yet. We do know the process now and are grateful that both options are welcoming. I truly believe they will take the best care of Shai and our family after he is out of our hands.
I was driving home from having lunch with Pete and the lies starting creeping. Was it because I am a bad mother to Amelia? I know I have messed up? Do I not love her enough? Am I not pointing her to God as much as I should? I should have known that I needed more folic acid in my diet? What did I do God? Just tell me?? These questions come into my mind more than I would like. They tear at my soul. When you become a mother all you want to do is protect, nurture and love your child. When I found out about Shai, I instinctively felt like I had done something terribly wrong and let my child down. I wanted to hold tight to the belief that it was all in my control. The truth is, God is in control. He has known Shai long before Pete or I knew of his existence. He has cared for and created him in my womb. He knows the last moment when Shai will take his last breath on this earth. Shai is His creation, created for His purposes. There are some things in this life that are not caused by our immediate actions. They happen because we live in a fallen and broken world. There is hurting, pain and evil. As Job says in the bible "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Life is in God's hands. Job was blameless when EVERYTHING was taken away from him, yet he still speaks the words above. He knew who God was and he trusted Him. God never told Job the full reason for his trials and suffering, He just reminded Job of who He was. That is the kind of faith I am seeking. I may never have the answer to "why" but God is always reminding me of who He is.
"I love you, O Lord, my strength, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so I shall be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18: 1-3
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Love One Another
"Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action." 1Jn 3:4
I have said time and time again how amazed we are by all the prayers and support we have recieved. It blows me away. It brings a strength in our lives that makes me cry humbly before the Lord. People we don't even know have shown us the love of Christ in one of our darkest times. I am a full believer that God shows himself through the actions of those who love him. God has used people to comfort and bring hope in this time. I say this because something was given to us last night that goes beyond my words and will mean more to us than those that put it together will ever know. By our precious church family we were given a box to hold the precious things of Shai. It was beautiful. Inside was the most beautifully made baby blanket and a scrapbook filled with letters from people who have shown abundant love to our family and to our precious son, Shai. They gave us something precious, they rejoiced in Shai's life. They made it clear that he is important, unique, and most importantly a creation by God. I think I write this time and time again but my hope is that Shai's life would be acknowledged and rejoiced no matter how short that life is. They have done this in a mighty way. Thank you!
To all of you who have stood with us, prayed for us, reminded us of scripture, sent cards and just sat with us. You have not just loved us with meaningless words. You have loved us with truth and action. You are living out the gospel for us. We have seen the greatness of God because of your love. He has shown us Himself through your actions. We are reminded of who He is because of the truth you impart. We can never thank you enough. Thank you for pointing us always to the cross and God's promises. There is nothing that brings us greater strength!
Here are a few of those items from the box!
Thank you Father for answering a prayer and giving us the strength to stand in this time. Thank you for friends and the comfort they bring.
I have said time and time again how amazed we are by all the prayers and support we have recieved. It blows me away. It brings a strength in our lives that makes me cry humbly before the Lord. People we don't even know have shown us the love of Christ in one of our darkest times. I am a full believer that God shows himself through the actions of those who love him. God has used people to comfort and bring hope in this time. I say this because something was given to us last night that goes beyond my words and will mean more to us than those that put it together will ever know. By our precious church family we were given a box to hold the precious things of Shai. It was beautiful. Inside was the most beautifully made baby blanket and a scrapbook filled with letters from people who have shown abundant love to our family and to our precious son, Shai. They gave us something precious, they rejoiced in Shai's life. They made it clear that he is important, unique, and most importantly a creation by God. I think I write this time and time again but my hope is that Shai's life would be acknowledged and rejoiced no matter how short that life is. They have done this in a mighty way. Thank you!
To all of you who have stood with us, prayed for us, reminded us of scripture, sent cards and just sat with us. You have not just loved us with meaningless words. You have loved us with truth and action. You are living out the gospel for us. We have seen the greatness of God because of your love. He has shown us Himself through your actions. We are reminded of who He is because of the truth you impart. We can never thank you enough. Thank you for pointing us always to the cross and God's promises. There is nothing that brings us greater strength!
Here are a few of those items from the box!
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