Shai's Birthday

I just wanted to update the blog with the news of Shai's birth. I know many of you already know the story, so I apologize if I am repeating myself.

Shai Nelson Hathaway was born on April 4, 2011 at 4:33pm. He was 2 pounds 10 ounces and 15 1/2 inches long. The day started out very windy with many thunderstorms in the area. That is about what my heart felt like that morning. I could not sleep that well, so I woke up before anyone was awake and went out front. There is a huge open field in front of our house that has a couple of bushes scattered throughout. I knew it was not the time that I wanted to be disturbed, so I went and hid behind the bush. I don't know how to explain the feelings raging inside my heart at that time. All I knew was, I was afraid, worried and certainly not peaceful. I would even say that I pleaded with God to give me my baby. I started thinking about Christ and how He was overcome with emotions right before he was to be crucified for our, for my, sins. He asked that God take that cup from Him if it was His will but that He would press on if that was His will. He prayed with all of His heart before His father. I know Shai's death is nothing in comparison to what the death of Christ meant but I asked the same of God. Please, give me my Shai if it is your will but please give me the strength and trust to walk the other way if that is your will. I was still struggling with doubt about whether it was really time to take Shai. Was I rushing things because I was truly the most uncomfortable I have ever been or was God really saying it is time. I prayed that God would bring peace and acknowledgement that it was time.

So we headed to our last doctor appointment before Shai was to be born. I sat up on the table and listened to his precious heartbeat one more time. It was the perfect heartbeat. Dr. Louis then took my measurements. I had grown to a miraculous size of 42 weeks along in a pregnancy. WOW! I knew I was uncomfortable but I had no idea that I was measuring more than 10 weeks past what I was. For those that don't know about pregnancy, 42 weeks is the absolute longest they will let you go in a pregnancy. God had given me my sign that taking Shai was in His will, not mine. Dr. Louis sent me over to the hospital to get prepped for surgery. As I waited to be prepped for surgery, there was a time that I was the only one in the room. The clock read 3:15pm, 45 minutes before I was to go back. At that moment Shai was moving so fiercely that I couldn't breath because he was pushing on my organs. It was precious, it would be the last time I would feel him move with life. I prayed right then and there that God would just give us the briefest of time with him but I knew in my heart that I was going to trust God with my most precious gift, my son. Everyone came in and prayed with us and then Dr. Louis said it was time to rock and roll. Pete came back into the room when it was time and held my hand. It hurt my heart to know that he was hurting so deeply. In that moment though, I saw the excitement he had to meet his son. Dr. Louis told him to stand up and meet his son. He raised him up so that I could see and all I could think was, Shai, you are the most beautiful creation I have ever seen. We held him, cried, told him we love him, told him it was okay to go home to his Abba Father and 17 minutes later we let him go.

Our families were able to see him, hold him, rejoice him, grieve him and love us through the midst of all of it. It was truly beautiful. I do not make pretenses or hold the fake facade that we are not hurting. My heart has never hurt more my entire life. I miss Shai fiercely. I am saddened that I will never see him grow. I have never questioned my faith more. What I will say is that, we are trusting God. We know who He is and we will stand in the truth that He is good and will gently guide us through this time. I have seen His hand in everything thus far. I will probably never fully know why. What I do know is that sometimes you have to have faith and believe the unseen. God knows the full picture, I do not. I have to trust the one that does understand it all because I cannot. He gave us a beautiful 17 minutes and I could not feel more blessed to have felt his heartbeat next to mine even for the briefest of times. Those are the moments that I will carry with me forever. If you were to ask if we would have done anything different, here is what I would say. I regret nothing, absolutely nothing. Shai changed my life and in the best way ever. He has pushed me towards God in ways that I don't think would have been possible. I love my husband more deeply than I ever thought possible and I look at my daughter as the gift she is. God does move in mysterious ways but there are times He makes things very clear. Shai's life is bringing change and driving others to Jesus! I have attached a picture of Shai.

I am sorry so long. Thank you for your kindess. It was nice to get those words out.

Love,
Kristin

Hope

I am the first one up this morning. We had a long drive back from Little Rock, AR last night. It is getting a little hard to sleep with my belly. I also have a lot on my mind.  I remember a time when things were simple. Well, I look back on them now and they seem simple but back then they were huge issues. The biggest issue was what color slap bracelet was I going to wear, should I tie my shirt on the right or the left, what side should the pony tail come on. Then the 90's, what if that boy does not like me, should I scrunch my socks or should I pull them all the way to my knees, will I ever make a good friend, oh my goodness I have had my first heart break, or even how to pass 12th grade honors history. Even up unto late, I would not have considered myself to walk through many deep trials in my life. Sure, there have been trials but none that have challenged my faith in the way that Shai's diagnosis has brought.

There was a night in Little Rock that I could not sleep at all. It was the first night I felt like God was pushing me to read His word right then and there. The word hope kept running through my mind at marathon speed. Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope....... I have known this whole journey that Hope would be what we as a family would have to stand on but the feeling to pray for hope was so strong that night. Maybe it is because the last couple of days I have lost a little bit of hope. The pain seemed so intense that in the midst of it for a brief time, I lost hope. I know now that God was reminding me of hope and to hold on through this time. So there in that little space in the living room I told God that I was loosing hope and I am scared beyond belief. I told Him that I was not ready to walk this road and I was not ready to loose Shai.

He reminded me that He is in control and mighty. Psalm 24:1-2 says "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it. For He has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers." The earth, universe, all people, including Shai, are God's. Even though it seems quiet right now, He has not left us nor forsaken us. Then he reminded me of hope. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

We have hope in the midst of this heartache because God loves us and He is the God of creation. He is in control, nothing is chaos. We have hope that because of Christ's death on a cross, we will see our son again. He has not left us, he is going to be with His creator and we will rejoice with him when the time comes. We have hope that God will not leave us in this trial but use it to reach others and transform our own hearts. This is a refining fire that we are going through. If you have ever wondered what possible good could come through something devastating , it can. Pete and I will not be the same people after all of this is said and done. I have hope that God is refining and molding us through this time into something more beautiful than ourselves. We have hope that God will use this to show Himself mighty, good and loving.

These are the truths we will walk into the hospital with on Monday before we see our precious son. Shai's life will be rejoiced and it will be mourned. My heart aches but there is also joy in the ache. Our c-section is Monday at 4:00pm. Please pray that we can hold Shai for even 30 seconds before he is taken home. Pray that Amelia's heart would be protected. Please pray for the rest of our families and close friends as their hearts are hurting. Please pray for Pete as he has to have a root canal in the middle of this trial. Please pray for God's glory to shine bright. Pray that we can be used in the hospital during our time. Thank you for your constant love!

The Hathaway Family