Hope

I am the first one up this morning. We had a long drive back from Little Rock, AR last night. It is getting a little hard to sleep with my belly. I also have a lot on my mind.  I remember a time when things were simple. Well, I look back on them now and they seem simple but back then they were huge issues. The biggest issue was what color slap bracelet was I going to wear, should I tie my shirt on the right or the left, what side should the pony tail come on. Then the 90's, what if that boy does not like me, should I scrunch my socks or should I pull them all the way to my knees, will I ever make a good friend, oh my goodness I have had my first heart break, or even how to pass 12th grade honors history. Even up unto late, I would not have considered myself to walk through many deep trials in my life. Sure, there have been trials but none that have challenged my faith in the way that Shai's diagnosis has brought.

There was a night in Little Rock that I could not sleep at all. It was the first night I felt like God was pushing me to read His word right then and there. The word hope kept running through my mind at marathon speed. Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope....... I have known this whole journey that Hope would be what we as a family would have to stand on but the feeling to pray for hope was so strong that night. Maybe it is because the last couple of days I have lost a little bit of hope. The pain seemed so intense that in the midst of it for a brief time, I lost hope. I know now that God was reminding me of hope and to hold on through this time. So there in that little space in the living room I told God that I was loosing hope and I am scared beyond belief. I told Him that I was not ready to walk this road and I was not ready to loose Shai.

He reminded me that He is in control and mighty. Psalm 24:1-2 says "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it. For He has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers." The earth, universe, all people, including Shai, are God's. Even though it seems quiet right now, He has not left us nor forsaken us. Then he reminded me of hope. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

We have hope in the midst of this heartache because God loves us and He is the God of creation. He is in control, nothing is chaos. We have hope that because of Christ's death on a cross, we will see our son again. He has not left us, he is going to be with His creator and we will rejoice with him when the time comes. We have hope that God will not leave us in this trial but use it to reach others and transform our own hearts. This is a refining fire that we are going through. If you have ever wondered what possible good could come through something devastating , it can. Pete and I will not be the same people after all of this is said and done. I have hope that God is refining and molding us through this time into something more beautiful than ourselves. We have hope that God will use this to show Himself mighty, good and loving.

These are the truths we will walk into the hospital with on Monday before we see our precious son. Shai's life will be rejoiced and it will be mourned. My heart aches but there is also joy in the ache. Our c-section is Monday at 4:00pm. Please pray that we can hold Shai for even 30 seconds before he is taken home. Pray that Amelia's heart would be protected. Please pray for the rest of our families and close friends as their hearts are hurting. Please pray for Pete as he has to have a root canal in the middle of this trial. Please pray for God's glory to shine bright. Pray that we can be used in the hospital during our time. Thank you for your constant love!

The Hathaway Family