Sneeky Little Grief

I have not posted since Shai's first birthday. It seems things have been quiet in my heart in regards to Shai. A thought still goes through my mind daily but no more tears and only joyful and hopeful thoughts.

A very wise friend who has lost two children once said that grief will come and go probably my whole life and that is okay. It will come quickly and without notice and the best thing to do is mourn the loss and give it back to the Lord. You see grief is the feeling that surrounds loss and mourning is the actual active response to grieving. So when the grief comes I must allow myself the action of crying or working through that emotion.

Since the last few months have been quiet I had all but forgotten my friend called grief. That was until last week. Last week I was introduced to a sweet new family that had three children and one of those precious kiddos happened to be a blonde hair, blue eyed little boy who is the same age that Shai would have been. Looking into his eyes and seeing his curious personality made my heart twinge for a brief moment. I do not know what Shai would have looked like but I know he had blonde hair and this little boy reminded me so much of what Shai would have been like. I went about my night enjoying great conversation and proceeded to get into my car. My heart was a bit heavy and tears welled in  the corners of my eyes. I wanted to say, "get over it Kristin, it has been over a year. There should be no more tears." How very silly! I remembered that grief is a God given emotion and I needed to work through it and take it to my Father. He wanted to hear. He already knew. I told him how much my heart ached in those moments and how much I longed to hold that little boy. It was such a sweet moment with my Father. I have learned that it is in the pain, chaos and confusion of life that He is the closest. His presence is so near and his peace is so overwhelming. He was not telling me to get over it. He was not impatient or quick with me. In that moment I felt like He held me and told me it was okay to hurt. It was OKAY to miss Shai in that moment even though it has been a year and a half since his death. He then reminded me of His goodness, faithfulness, and fullness. He reminded me that this world is not my home and that one day ALL will be made right because of His greatness. He reminded me that He makes absolute beauty among the ashes.

 As I think of Tshion and the grief she will experience I have hope. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I have felt the overwhelming weight this world can bring into your life. I know what great loss is and the hole it brings to your soul. Of course, there are others that have been through much more than I but I still know the sting. Don't we all.  But, I know the truth that fills that very gaping hole. The love that transforms that aching hole into a beautiful work of art. The grace that says, you do not have to put the pieces back together on your own or in a set time frame. The hope that says, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes." (Romans 8:28) I pray that Tshion comes to know the One that will take the hurt and the hole from her precious heart and make her whole once more. He is the one that will make the ugly, beautiful! He continues to make the ugly in Shai's death beautiful. To Him be the glory and honor forever!

Happy Birthday Shai

Shai Bear,

Happy birthday sweet boy. Wow, has it already been a year. Not that we have forgotten you. You have been impressed on our hearts forever. Every day there is a thought reserved just for you. The pain has gotten easier. In fact most days my heart does not hurt. I think back with joy in remembering your birth and what a beautiful day it was. Holding you in my arms is still seared into my heart and mind. You were and are such a gift. There are days that my heart aches for the place you should have been in our family. It sneaks up on me. I know that is normal and just a reminder that this world is not my permanent home. I look at some of our friends precious children that are about a year old and I think about what milestones you would have accomplished by now, I am sure many! I wonder if you would have had your daddy's blonde ringlets and big smile. Then I remember where you are right now and that brings much peace and comfort. You are with the one who made you. You will never know pain, sorrow, grieving or sin. It can be such a hard place here in this world that is crying out for redemption. It brings comfort knowing you will never experience that but that you are praising our Father in Heaven and playing on the streets of gold. You have many friends with you, I can think of a couple right off my head and I am sure they are wonderful company. I want your birthday to be something to be rejoiced. I want to remember the joy of having you and the faithfulness of God. We are going to make cupcakes, release a butterfly and then do something another family has done. We will deliver a birthday gift to a boy born on your birthday. What a great opportunity to love someone else and get a chance to share about you my precious love. My child, He has been so faithful. He has brought peace among the roughest storm I have ever lived through. He has used your precious life to comfort others, encourage others and draw others to Himself. He has changed me because of your life. I am a better person because of your existence. You are a gift that is indescribable. You are a blessing that I thank God for every day. What a humbling honor it has been that God entrusted me with loving you. I am so proud to be your mommy and I tell of you often. Your legacy has reached all the way to Africa in creating water wells for the people. Your legacy has brought about the financial help to bring home your brother or sister from Ethiopia. Your legacy has made me realize just how much God loves me. I miss you but I will continue to hold to the steadfast hope I have in seeing you again. Oh how my soul longs for that day. As I have said before, God is not done with me here or He would have taken me home already. So, my sweet boy, as much as I long to be with you and see your face I will run this race called life. I will point to Jesus and love others. When it is time, we will meet again. Until that day, I will think of you always and hold you so dear to my heart. You have a piece of heart in Heaven and you always will. You are not forgotten. I love you with all my heart. Dance baby dance! I will dance with you with the time comes. Happy birthday!

Love,
Mommy

A year ago

As 2011 came to a close and 2012 has begun, I have pondered on the past year, like most. God has done much and accomplished much. A year ago, January 6th to be exact, I sat in a sonogram room while a doctor told us that our son did not fully form a brain or skull. His prognosis would be death shortly after birth, if not before. This was not how I expected 2011 to begin. I stared at the wall in front of me and asked God what was happening. How could I move past this point. Amazingly enough, time moved on and God has shown me time and time again how His faithfulness and grace sustain those who are weak and heavy laden. So, I wanted to praise God for all He did in the past year by giving thanks for those things. A precious family who is on the same journey as we has modeled a thankful heart well. This is how I will choose to remember 2011. Not as a year of despair but a year of seeing God move in ways that I never thought possible. "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." God gets my praise for this past year. Without His ever moving presence and closeness, I would not have survived. He lifted me up on wings of eagles and continues to do so, every day.  So here is my thankful list.

1. God entrusted us with something so valuable and precious, our son. What an honor to be entrusted with something so sweet.
2. God blessed us with a kind, caring, compassionate and understanding doctor and sonographer. God used these two people to make His love and presence made known tangibly.
3. A small group that surrounded us with unconditional support, prayer, encouragement, and love during the next 13 weeks we would carry Shai and beyond his birth and death from this world.
4. A church that wrapped their arms around us and made us feel loved and made our son important.
5. I prayed that God would do a miracle. He did! He answered and gave me a peace that passed all understanding. I can not explain it but from the time I gave over our son's life to God and fully entrusted him with it, there was such a deep rooted peace that even in my pain I knew God was there.
6. A fuller understanding of what Christ did on the cross. Without His powerful life and death on the cross, I would have no hope. Christ brings my hope, my joy, my truth, my strength, my everything.
7. The wisdom of women who have walked this road before me and the wisdom of women who have walked this road after me. I am so grateful for how God has used so many of them to comfort, guide and teach me in this last year.
8. I am grateful for every strong kick I felt Shai make. I am grateful that Amelia felt and saw him move. Pete was also able to feel many of the movements.
9. I am grateful for the pictures that a dear friend took of such a precious time. Those pictures link to the memories that I will carry with me forever. I am so grateful for the time she took out to take them.
10. For a husband that was gracious, loving and ever patient with me. He loved me so deeply even though he was hurting so deeply. He held me, cried with me, and spoke truth to me. I am more in love with that man than I was 12 months ago.
11. For Amelia who reminds me every day what a miracle child bearing truly is. She is a miracle. Her very presence reminds me of that. She is loving, smart, funny and I feel so honored to be her mommy. I pray she will know the depths of the love of Christ. I pray she will see what God has done in this season and praise His name one day.
12. I am grateful for God's Word. It truly is living and active! There was no greater soother of my soul than God's word. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I just wanted to turn away and not hear truth. However, God always finds a way to make His word known. Thank goodness!! So in ever so gentle ways and sometimes very powerful ways, He spoke to me through it and has begun to transform my heart. Head knowledge that I have had forever is finally seeping into the deepest parts of my heart. Because of the trials of this past year, my foundation is even stronger and the roots of my faith are growing deeper and deeper.
13. God has not left or forsaken me. He has been so present. God does not change because of my circumstances. He is the same forever and ever. He had remained steadfast. I am so grateful to have an anchor that never moves and never breaks. He is the anchor I can hang on in the worst of storms and know that I am safe.
14. I am grateful for the birth of my son. Shai's birth was precious and beautiful. There was actual joy in the delivery room. Seeing Shai and holding Shai was one of the sweetest things I have done in this life. He was perfectly created by the creator and He was beautiful.
15. I am grateful we had a precious hour to tell our son how much we loved him and that we never regretted our decision to carry him as long as we could. He will forever be our first born son. 
16. I am grateful for our family. Some traveled long and far to see our son be born and to comfort our hearts. They brought so much strength and love.
17. I am so grateful that Shai's life has touched other's . I am so grateful that his little life has been used to draw other's to Christ or to comfort. His life was not in vain and is still making marks for Jesus. What the enemy used to kill, steal and destroy, God has made beautiful.
18. I am grateful that my husband made it through this deployment and came home to us safely.
19. I am grateful for Leigh Kay and her willingness to come live with me and help in a time when I needed the love of a dear friend. A friend that knows me better than most. She was another answer to prayer.
20. I am grateful for Skype!!!!

I could probably go on and on and on. This is how I sum up last year. God is faithful, true, steady and strong. My love for Him is growing deeper. Someone told me that God must think I am strong and that is why He gave us Shai. I think it is opposite. I think we are very weak. I think one of the ways God used to Shai's existence was to reveal that truth. I am weak and so very dependent on the One who gave me breath in the first place. Without Him, I would be in  a dark pit somewhere right now. He has been my strength. My life support. There are days when the pain sneeks in. There are times I don't trust, ask Pete and Leigh. :) I am so far from perfect or strong. Yet, through God's grace and love for me, He brings strength and hope. You don't have to be perfect or strong to come to God. You just have to be weak and humble and know that you are in need of something far greater than yourself. You are in need of a savior and His name is Jesus! So in this coming year, my main resolution is to not try to venture on this road in my own strength or will but to grow deeper in love with Jesus and rely on His strength and gift of grace!! Maybe I will through in a resolution about doing more pilates. :) We shall see...

Happy New Year!!