I have not posted since Shai's first birthday. It seems things have been quiet in my heart in regards to Shai. A thought still goes through my mind daily but no more tears and only joyful and hopeful thoughts.
A very wise friend who has lost two children once said that grief will come and go probably my whole life and that is okay. It will come quickly and without notice and the best thing to do is mourn the loss and give it back to the Lord. You see grief is the feeling that surrounds loss and mourning is the actual active response to grieving. So when the grief comes I must allow myself the action of crying or working through that emotion.
Since the last few months have been quiet I had all but forgotten my friend called grief. That was until last week. Last week I was introduced to a sweet new family that had three children and one of those precious kiddos happened to be a blonde hair, blue eyed little boy who is the same age that Shai would have been. Looking into his eyes and seeing his curious personality made my heart twinge for a brief moment. I do not know what Shai would have looked like but I know he had blonde hair and this little boy reminded me so much of what Shai would have been like. I went about my night enjoying great conversation and proceeded to get into my car. My heart was a bit heavy and tears welled in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to say, "get over it Kristin, it has been over a year. There should be no more tears." How very silly! I remembered that grief is a God given emotion and I needed to work through it and take it to my Father. He wanted to hear. He already knew. I told him how much my heart ached in those moments and how much I longed to hold that little boy. It was such a sweet moment with my Father. I have learned that it is in the pain, chaos and confusion of life that He is the closest. His presence is so near and his peace is so overwhelming. He was not telling me to get over it. He was not impatient or quick with me. In that moment I felt like He held me and told me it was okay to hurt. It was OKAY to miss Shai in that moment even though it has been a year and a half since his death. He then reminded me of His goodness, faithfulness, and fullness. He reminded me that this world is not my home and that one day ALL will be made right because of His greatness. He reminded me that He makes absolute beauty among the ashes.
As I think of Tshion and the grief she will experience I have hope. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I have felt the overwhelming weight this world can bring into your life. I know what great loss is and the hole it brings to your soul. Of course, there are others that have been through much more than I but I still know the sting. Don't we all. But, I know the truth that fills that very gaping hole. The love that transforms that aching hole into a beautiful work of art. The grace that says, you do not have to put the pieces back together on your own or in a set time frame. The hope that says, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes." (Romans 8:28) I pray that Tshion comes to know the One that will take the hurt and the hole from her precious heart and make her whole once more. He is the one that will make the ugly, beautiful! He continues to make the ugly in Shai's death beautiful. To Him be the glory and honor forever!
A very wise friend who has lost two children once said that grief will come and go probably my whole life and that is okay. It will come quickly and without notice and the best thing to do is mourn the loss and give it back to the Lord. You see grief is the feeling that surrounds loss and mourning is the actual active response to grieving. So when the grief comes I must allow myself the action of crying or working through that emotion.
Since the last few months have been quiet I had all but forgotten my friend called grief. That was until last week. Last week I was introduced to a sweet new family that had three children and one of those precious kiddos happened to be a blonde hair, blue eyed little boy who is the same age that Shai would have been. Looking into his eyes and seeing his curious personality made my heart twinge for a brief moment. I do not know what Shai would have looked like but I know he had blonde hair and this little boy reminded me so much of what Shai would have been like. I went about my night enjoying great conversation and proceeded to get into my car. My heart was a bit heavy and tears welled in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to say, "get over it Kristin, it has been over a year. There should be no more tears." How very silly! I remembered that grief is a God given emotion and I needed to work through it and take it to my Father. He wanted to hear. He already knew. I told him how much my heart ached in those moments and how much I longed to hold that little boy. It was such a sweet moment with my Father. I have learned that it is in the pain, chaos and confusion of life that He is the closest. His presence is so near and his peace is so overwhelming. He was not telling me to get over it. He was not impatient or quick with me. In that moment I felt like He held me and told me it was okay to hurt. It was OKAY to miss Shai in that moment even though it has been a year and a half since his death. He then reminded me of His goodness, faithfulness, and fullness. He reminded me that this world is not my home and that one day ALL will be made right because of His greatness. He reminded me that He makes absolute beauty among the ashes.
As I think of Tshion and the grief she will experience I have hope. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I have felt the overwhelming weight this world can bring into your life. I know what great loss is and the hole it brings to your soul. Of course, there are others that have been through much more than I but I still know the sting. Don't we all. But, I know the truth that fills that very gaping hole. The love that transforms that aching hole into a beautiful work of art. The grace that says, you do not have to put the pieces back together on your own or in a set time frame. The hope that says, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes." (Romans 8:28) I pray that Tshion comes to know the One that will take the hurt and the hole from her precious heart and make her whole once more. He is the one that will make the ugly, beautiful! He continues to make the ugly in Shai's death beautiful. To Him be the glory and honor forever!
BEAUTIFUL !!! Thank You, Kristin, for sharing your thoughts with us !! I am sorry for your grief sweetie. No one really knows the pain you feel except God, and He will ALWAYS be with you. I still grieve for Mother every day, but I know that she is with God and all is well. So, you keep your faith and start your new relationship with your "daughter, Tshion" and yes, pray that one day she will come to know Our Lord and Savior !! I am keeping you in my daily prayers always, and I pray that God will hold you in the palm of His hands! God Bless!! Love you, Patti
ReplyDeleteI love you. I love your heart. I love that I serve a God who cares for you, cherishes you, and can comfort you infinitely more than even I, a mere human can. Your words are lovely. Your heart is nothing short of stunning.
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