Funeral Homes

Pete was supposed to fly to Alabama today to drop off an Apache helicopter. He would have been gone all day and possibly through the night. God knew my anxious heart however and Pete did not end up flying to Alabama today because of bad weather. Why did I have an anxious heart? We are now 7 weeks away from delivering Shai. We had not, until today, went and visited funeral homes to find out who would take care of our precious son's body after he goes home to be with the Lord. Pete has had so much to do at work, with deployments, that we have had no time to visit. For some reason the need to visit has been pressing hard on my heart and God knew. Pete called this morning and said " Lets go look at funeral homes because I am not flying and don't have anything else planned." God answers even the silent prayers of our hearts.

We visited two that have been suggested. Is there ever a "good" day to do this process. Both were kind, compassionate and helpful. What a blessing they both offered when they said that there is no charge for any of their services when it is an infant. The only costs will be the gravesite, casket and any other things we might want. Then one of them asked the question, "are you emotionally ready to see the caskets." Am I emotionally ready to see the caskets? Hmmm....no......but I don't think I will ever be. There is no time like the present, "let's go." I stood in this closet where they were housed and was amazed. They are so tiny that they fit into a standard walk in closet. She pointed politely to the one she thought might suit our needs. It was at that point my head starting spinning and for a second I thought I might pass out. Okay, breathe, God is with you, even now. God give me the strength, I can't do this without you. The tears starting welling and I said, "so this is it." I can not imagine how many grieving mothers and fathers have stood in that same position with the same spinning and aching feeling surging through their bodies. If you are one of those that has stood in that position, I am truly sorry. There is no pain I have felt that is greater. As we left those funeral homes I asked Pete what he thought. He said he just wants the best for Shai. It will be the last physical gift we will give him and we want it to be precious. Oh Lord, the cords of death are entangling us.

We don't know which funeral home we will go with as of yet. We do know the process now and are grateful that both options are welcoming. I truly believe they will take the best care of Shai and our family after he is out of our hands.

I was driving home from having lunch with Pete and the lies starting creeping. Was it because I am a bad mother to Amelia? I know I have messed up? Do I not love her enough? Am I not pointing her to God as much as I should? I should have known that I needed more folic acid in my diet? What did I do God? Just tell me?? These questions come into my mind more than I would like. They tear at my soul. When you become a mother all you want to do is protect, nurture and love your child. When I found out about Shai, I instinctively felt like I had done something terribly wrong and let my child down. I wanted to hold tight to the belief that it was all in my control. The truth is, God is in control. He has known Shai long before Pete or I knew of his existence. He has cared for and created him in my womb. He knows the last moment when Shai will take his last breath on this earth. Shai is His creation, created for His purposes. There are some things in this life that are not caused by our immediate actions. They happen because we live in a fallen and broken world. There is hurting, pain and evil. As Job says in the bible "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Life is in God's hands. Job was blameless when EVERYTHING was taken away from him, yet he still speaks the words above. He knew who God was and he trusted Him. God never told Job the full reason for his trials and suffering, He just reminded Job of who He was. That is the kind of faith I am seeking. I may never have the answer to "why" but God is always reminding me of who He is.

"I love you, O Lord, my strength, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so I shall be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18: 1-3