Kicker Shai

We just wanted to post a little update on how Shai is doing as of late. He LOVES to kick and move. His kicks are getting stronger day by day. Pete was finally able to feel him kick for the first time this week. I believe it was really special for him. You would think those kicks would be a painful reminder of what lays ahead for Shai and our family but it actually makes my heart joyful to feel each and every one. Every kick means we have another precious day with Shai. I have grown to look forward to the times when he moves inside.

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 10:30a before Pete and I leave for our trip to Washington state. I have to admit these appointments tend to spring up a little apprehension in my heart. I can have some control issues and I want to be able to make everything okay. We trust that God has his precious, little life in His BIG hands. Please pray that everything looks good and that I am not starting to retain too much amniotic fluid. That is a problem that can arise with these little ones when they are in the womb. They do not have the brain function to swallow the fluid like normal babies. That means I can start to retain too much fluid and have to deliver Shai earlier than planned or expected.

Several people have asked me if we believe that God can heal Shai and if He will. I have pondered on this question and prayed fervently for Shai's healing. I DO believe that God is fully capable of healing little Shai. He is the same God that created the universe and all within it. He has done miracles from the Old Testament to the New Testament. So YES, GOD IS ABLE!!! However, I also know that God is bigger than I am and sees a far greater picture than I do. Pete and I work in the children's ministry at our church on Sundays. We are beginning to study Mark and the lesson we had this past week is about how Jesus forgives and heals the paralytic man whose friends brought him to Jesus. It can be found in Mark 2: 1-13. What great faith those friends had to believe that if they could just get their friend to Jesus, he would be healed. They carried him all the way to see Jesus and then lowered him through the roof because they could not get through the crowds any other way. Jesus did not do what they expected however, he did something greater! He forgave the man of his sins because He saw his great faith. When questioned about his authority to do these things, he healed the man of his physical ailments. The first and most important thing Jesus did was to forgive this man and allow him to have eternity with God. As I have looked at miracles in the bible, the purpose was always to bring God glory and make His name known. So here is how I see it.  If Shai's life can bring God the most glory by being short but precious and valuable, then so be it. If Shai's life can bring Him the most Glory by being healed miraculously, then wonderful! No matter what, we want Shai's life on this earth to have meaning and purpose. This has not always been easy to grasp on this journey so far.  I want to see my child grow and be a part of his wonderful life on this earth. We cry many tears for the life that we will probably not get to see. We continue to trust in who God is and the fact that He has a plan for our lives and Shai's life that is far greater than we can think or imagine.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. They truly have brought us so much comfort in this time of our lives!

Learning to be thankful in the midst of darkness

It has been astounding to see how much love that people have shown to our family over the last few days. It has truly amazed Pete and I. One of the greatest comforts comes from the saddest of stories. I can not believe how many mothers and fathers have had to grieve the same thing that Pete and I have. The stories that others have shared have reminded me of the blessings that God has given me and His goodness to walk us through this journey. These are the kinds of stories that make your heart long for Christ to return and restore all things new. We want everyone to know how grateful we are for the love, prayers and support. They have meant more to us than you will ever know. I am reminded of the verse in Philippians 4 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Because of your prayers and petitions for us before God, Pete and I have a peace that would not be possible without them. This used to be one of my favorite verses but as of late it has become a hard verse to live out. Not the part about bringing your requests before God but providing thanksgiving as well. What?? Thanksgiving! My heart hurts, my husband is hurting, our daughter will never know her precious brother, Pete is still leaving for Iraq after Shai is born. What is there to be thankful for. That is just laying it out bare with where my heart is at times. However, the Lord has ever so gently through others stories and his loving spirit, reminded me of the things that I am so thankful for. Praise Him that I have the most calm, sincere, loving, patient, God fearing and God loving husband. There is no one I would rather walk this road than with him by my side. Praise God that I have been given the gift of a healthy child. Amelia is a beautiful, loving, stubborn, smart, FUNNY, cuddly girl that I can not imagine life without. There are couples that long to hold their own child and God has given Pete and I that opportunity. Praise God that He has allowed us the opportunity to carry our precious Shai. He is ours and God is allowing us to carry him and be a part of his short life. What a joy that we have this time. Praise Him that He is already showing His glory through Shai's life by touching other people. I have to allow myself to see the joy to work through the pain. Pain and trials are a part of this fallen world. However we have a God that allows those trials to grow and mold us into something far greater than ourselves. Shai is causing a growth in our hearts that would not be possible without his existence. What a powerful testimony for God he has and he is still in my womb. I will not pretend that the hurt is not deep. There are moments the tears don't stop and the darkness surrounds us in the worst of ways. I am just saying that God is there and is giving us a peace that surpasses all understanding.

My Heart and Flesh May Fail

Okay, I have to be honest. The last few days have been like walking through a terrible yet peaceful dream. Pete and I are completely at peace with our decision to carry Shai until the Lord takes him home but my heart still aches like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel this precious baby moving in my womb and kicking me as hard as possible, reminding me that he is still there. It feels amazing yet hurts more deeply than words can express. The question of "Why" has come more into my thoughts. Why would God allow us to carry this baby and then take him back into His arms. This and the fear of what the future holds have kept me so awake over the last couple of nights I am a walking zombie in the day time. The nights are the hardest. It is the time my heart and mind go wild with thought. I know with all my heart that God is good, faithful, merciful, loving and sovereign but at times that does not seem to comfort my grieving heart. Like the Psalms say " My heart and flesh my fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Oh how my heart has failed to believe sometimes and the grief comes over me so hard and fast I don't think  I can survive. However, all I can repeat lately is that God is my strength and my portion. It is all I can say at times as the pain drifts back to my heart again. God give me strength to take one more step to be the mother to the first precious child you have blessed me with. I still have to survive, I still have a daughter and a husband that need my time, attention and love. I can not be swallowed up by the depths of grief to never come up and see the light. I love Shai and I am so blessed that I am feeling him move inside my womb. Blessed be to God that I can still feel my precious baby move. Oh God, give us the strength to trust you and place one foot in front of the other.

Our Sweet Boy

Pete and I have had many loops thrown at us over the last few months. First he was going to move to a new position and company in the army, then he would deploy over the summer on his own, to you will be deploying with your current unit in a few months. There is a saying I like to say  about the army "It is was it is." Nothing ever stays the same. I never thought our personal life would be thrown for such a loop. We were so excited when we discovered that we would have a new little addition that would be constant. We prayed for this new little one and asked God to be over its forming and growth. We knew it would be difficult with Pete deploying but God remains faithful and is always with us. So it came time when we would be able to find out the sex of the baby. We could not be more excited to see our little one, it had been twelve weeks since the last look. We received a phone call from the nurse at our OBGYN informing us that one of our tests came back abnormal which meant that our little one could have the mildest of genetic cases to the worst of genetic cases. Our hearts sank and we cried out to God. They did a sonogram and we were devastated to find that our little one has a hole in his upper spine along with not having a formed brain or skull. The prognosis is death. The birth defect is called Anencephaly and it is rare. Our hearts fell but we knew like the psalmist said that God had "Created Shai's most inmost being; He knit him together in my womb. We praise Him because Shai is fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13 The doctor informed us that we had two decisions. The first one meant having a needle pierced into Shai's heart and then induce labor or the other one was try to carry to term. Now you might think this is a no thought situation but when you are in the midst of hearing that you will lose your baby within minutes of delivering them ,your mind goes into a million different directions. However we were again reminded of who God is. He is the creator of the universe, he is all knowing and all powerful. He is also right there in the midst of our suffering, weeping beside us. We also know that He has a plan and purpose for Shai no matter how short lived that life might be. Before we even knew Shai was a boy we decided on his name. I loved the name because it meant "Gift of God". Shai is our precious "Gift of God" and we have decided to fully put his life into the hands of the one who created him and knew him before we did.  So we will be updating this blog with all news of Shai. Thank you for prayers and thoughts! Love, the Hathaway's