My Heart and Flesh May Fail

Okay, I have to be honest. The last few days have been like walking through a terrible yet peaceful dream. Pete and I are completely at peace with our decision to carry Shai until the Lord takes him home but my heart still aches like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel this precious baby moving in my womb and kicking me as hard as possible, reminding me that he is still there. It feels amazing yet hurts more deeply than words can express. The question of "Why" has come more into my thoughts. Why would God allow us to carry this baby and then take him back into His arms. This and the fear of what the future holds have kept me so awake over the last couple of nights I am a walking zombie in the day time. The nights are the hardest. It is the time my heart and mind go wild with thought. I know with all my heart that God is good, faithful, merciful, loving and sovereign but at times that does not seem to comfort my grieving heart. Like the Psalms say " My heart and flesh my fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Oh how my heart has failed to believe sometimes and the grief comes over me so hard and fast I don't think  I can survive. However, all I can repeat lately is that God is my strength and my portion. It is all I can say at times as the pain drifts back to my heart again. God give me strength to take one more step to be the mother to the first precious child you have blessed me with. I still have to survive, I still have a daughter and a husband that need my time, attention and love. I can not be swallowed up by the depths of grief to never come up and see the light. I love Shai and I am so blessed that I am feeling him move inside my womb. Blessed be to God that I can still feel my precious baby move. Oh God, give us the strength to trust you and place one foot in front of the other.