Difficult Day

Today has been one of those days. All our family has left and there has been plenty of time to really be by myself. I didn't realize how much being alone would bring about more thoughts. It's funny, the time we have right now with Shai brings nothing but joy and peace. I love feeling him move and now I can see him move. I love watching my belly grow and how Amelia loves to run up and hug Shai. She is only 15 months old but when I ask her where Shai is, she immediately runs to my belly and hugs it. I feel so blessed that the Lord has given her some sense of understanding in regards to Shai. It still hurts that she will not really remember her brother or his short life. Those little things make that knowledge a little easier.

It is so hard when I take the time to think about the birth. I have never watched the life of someone leave their bodies let alone the precious life of my own child. I will be honest, that is where my faith is at times shaken. It scares me, the unknown of knowing what that process will look like. The last thing I want is for him to suffer more than I would like him to. Will I have the strength to watch his life leave from my very arms.  I know that God has an ultimate plan, a great plan. It is a plan I can not see in full at this time and I might never see it to the fullest but it has been so hard the last couple of days to believe the verse that in ALL things God works together for good those who love Him. Can I be honest? There are times that I selfishly want to say, "I don't care what the plan is", I want to watch Shai grow up. I want to see him play baseball with his dad. I want to kiss his wounds and watch him grow up. I want to see him grow into the man I always dreamed of him being. I confess, my heart is not always the bedrock of strength. :) Praise God that we have a father that constantly meets us right where we are. It's in those times that I am reminded of who He is and the strength He gives. A friend reminded me of an encouraging verse. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As we trust and have faith that God is who He says He is and that He has a plan that works together all things for our good, His very spirit will give us the joy, strength, and peace we so desperately need at this time. He is a God who brings HOPE. Hope in the midst of fear and desperation. Even now as I write these words with my heavy heart, that truth lightens the load and brings about peace.

I will end with this calming view of Shai's life leaving this earth. A precious friend told me this once and she is right. Shai is in the warmth  and closeness of my womb. He can feel my heartbeat and movements. It is peaceful. He is not experiencing the pains and hurts of this fallen world. He will come into the world and God willing have a brief time to spend with us before he heads straight into the arms of Christ. He will meet the very God who created the universe and his precious life. He will walk the streets of gold and never experience living in this fallen world. His body will be perfect and he will spend eternity is peace, love, laughter and the praising of our GOD! AMEN! He gets to go home and be with his ABBA father! 

If you read this post, thanks. I just needed to write through some emotions. -God Bless-