Time moves so fast sometimes. I remember someone telling me once that after you left high school that time would speed up to warp speed. They were right. It has been six months since our sweet Shai left our arms and went into the arms of Jesus. God has given such abundant peace. Peace that can not be explained by my strength or knowledge but only by the supernatural power of the One who holds my heart and soul. He has been faithful to meet me at every point. The first few months were a whirlwind of adjustment. Trying to figure out how to manage this thing called life after Shai died and Pete left for Iraq. God met me there as well. He moved and orchestrated the events that allowed Leigh, my dear friend, to move in with us. She has been used by Him in this season so often that there are no words to express my gratitude.
This last month has been a bit difficult. There have been several close friends that have experienced the same loss that we have just walked through. As my heart aches with them my heart has been opened afresh to the emotion of loosing Shai. Little things that did not affect me before have now caused a tear to stream down my face. Looking at Amelia's eyes and wondering if Shai would have had her piercing blue eyes. Would he have been as stubborn and passionate as Amelia and I or would he be developing his daddy's calmer and more quiet temperament. There are days when the cold reality of not having him in my arms slaps me in the face and takes my breath away. I miss my boy. God has met me in my hurt. He has covered me with His love. He reminds my hurting soul again of who He is and how much He loves me. He reminds me that Shai is not forgotten. He reminds me of how precious His life was and continues to be. He reminds me of the beauty that He has already created. He reminds me of hope. He reminds me through powerful words of others of how He gave His Son on a cross to die for my sins and bring hope. He is not a God who does not understand the pain that I feel at times. He knows. He cares. He is powerful. He is healing our hearts day by day. There are more days than not now when the tears do not stream my pillow at night. There is laughter. There truly are new mercies every morning.
I miss Shai. I rest in knowing who God is and the promises He has given me in His word. I am grateful for the hope that I have knowing that I will see my precious son's face again. I will dance with him again. I will sing with him again. I will hold him again. Praise you Lord for your grace and unfailing love.
"Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Raging Rivers and Calm Lakes
I have had the privilege of spending time with my parents and family for the last month, traveling all over the states. Our longest destination has been on Lake Vallecito in Colorado. It is beautiful here and very peaceful. Just what my heart needed in this season. Not to mention, 6 free and loving babysitters.
I was running one day, well let me clarify, I was running up a hill and then panting for about 1/2 a mile. I had some things come up that were again causing the questions of why bad things happen to rise again. Then out of nowhere the road opened up to the most beautiful view I have ever seen. There were four mountains and in the heart was a beautiful, green valley with a river rushing through it. I sat on a rock and God started speaking. As the river was rushing around huge boulders. I also realized that were were slow moving parts that were very calm and then another set of rushing rapids that were caused by a big rock or debris in the middle of the river. I then thought about my previous white water rafting trip that we had taken a few days earlier. As we were going down the river, the guide pointed out what is called a "strainer". He said it was when debris, like sticks, logs, and other items get caught up and create a vortex that traps other debris. It is not a place to be but it is necessary. It keeps the river clean and allows the flow of the river to remain where it needs to remain. At the end of most rivers is a beautiful, clear lake. We are staying at one of those lakes. It is beautiful!! I started wondering what God was trying to tell me by all of these jumbled thoughts about a river. It hit me like a wave, no pun intended. Our lives are like mountain rivers and our outcome as believers is like that beautiful, clear, mountain lake. There are times in this journey when our lives are calm, peaceful and serene. Then there are times when huge boulders and debris, trials, pop up out of nowhere and cause rapids to develop in our lives. These rapids can often times be overwhelming and make us feel as though we are out of control and scared. Those boulders might be financial issues, marital issues, family issues, other issues or in my case and so many other of my friends lives, the death of a child. Shai's death happened and Pete and I felt helpless as the rapids took us and threw us around. We had no control, we could only trust that something bigger was in control. However, Shai's death had begun and continues the process of stripping us of ourselves and refining us into more Christ-like humans. We are being cleansed of ourselves and being replaced by something better. We are learning and trusting that in ALL things it will work together because we love God and are called according to His purposes. There are parts of us that would not be refined and changed without the life of our precious son and his death. Just like the river rafting guide said, the strainers and boulders are there to clean the river and keep it on the path it is intended for. So here we are, Pete and I, riding the rapids of death and trusting that God will move and work in our lives as well as others. We will probably go through more rapids in our lifetime but the ultimate goal is to be so refined that when we finally get to heaven we will be like that beautiful, clear mountain lake that has been refined and transformed from where it began on top of a cold mountain. Take something meant for evil and turn it into something beautiful. I don't need to know the full answer to why Shai has died, or why other friends of mine are walking the same valley. What I do need to know is that God is God and He has set my feet upon the rock and I will not be shaken. He is with us as the rapids envelope us and He will guide us through them with His strong right arm and bring us into the beautiful, clear lake that we like to call glory! God is good ALL the time!
I was running one day, well let me clarify, I was running up a hill and then panting for about 1/2 a mile. I had some things come up that were again causing the questions of why bad things happen to rise again. Then out of nowhere the road opened up to the most beautiful view I have ever seen. There were four mountains and in the heart was a beautiful, green valley with a river rushing through it. I sat on a rock and God started speaking. As the river was rushing around huge boulders. I also realized that were were slow moving parts that were very calm and then another set of rushing rapids that were caused by a big rock or debris in the middle of the river. I then thought about my previous white water rafting trip that we had taken a few days earlier. As we were going down the river, the guide pointed out what is called a "strainer". He said it was when debris, like sticks, logs, and other items get caught up and create a vortex that traps other debris. It is not a place to be but it is necessary. It keeps the river clean and allows the flow of the river to remain where it needs to remain. At the end of most rivers is a beautiful, clear lake. We are staying at one of those lakes. It is beautiful!! I started wondering what God was trying to tell me by all of these jumbled thoughts about a river. It hit me like a wave, no pun intended. Our lives are like mountain rivers and our outcome as believers is like that beautiful, clear, mountain lake. There are times in this journey when our lives are calm, peaceful and serene. Then there are times when huge boulders and debris, trials, pop up out of nowhere and cause rapids to develop in our lives. These rapids can often times be overwhelming and make us feel as though we are out of control and scared. Those boulders might be financial issues, marital issues, family issues, other issues or in my case and so many other of my friends lives, the death of a child. Shai's death happened and Pete and I felt helpless as the rapids took us and threw us around. We had no control, we could only trust that something bigger was in control. However, Shai's death had begun and continues the process of stripping us of ourselves and refining us into more Christ-like humans. We are being cleansed of ourselves and being replaced by something better. We are learning and trusting that in ALL things it will work together because we love God and are called according to His purposes. There are parts of us that would not be refined and changed without the life of our precious son and his death. Just like the river rafting guide said, the strainers and boulders are there to clean the river and keep it on the path it is intended for. So here we are, Pete and I, riding the rapids of death and trusting that God will move and work in our lives as well as others. We will probably go through more rapids in our lifetime but the ultimate goal is to be so refined that when we finally get to heaven we will be like that beautiful, clear mountain lake that has been refined and transformed from where it began on top of a cold mountain. Take something meant for evil and turn it into something beautiful. I don't need to know the full answer to why Shai has died, or why other friends of mine are walking the same valley. What I do need to know is that God is God and He has set my feet upon the rock and I will not be shaken. He is with us as the rapids envelope us and He will guide us through them with His strong right arm and bring us into the beautiful, clear lake that we like to call glory! God is good ALL the time!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Weekends? What?
So, it has been two months since our sweet Shai went home to be with the Lord. In that time, Pete left for Iraq at the beginning of May and my precious mother-in-law went back to California at the end of May. So here we are, Amelia and I. We passed May 29th which was set to be Shai's original due date. I doubt I would have gone to my due date. If the saying is true that the second one comes faster, Shai would have probably been born about three weeks early.
Anyway, that day was hard. I think about him almost every day. Maybe that sounds like I am a bad mommy but I must admit that becoming a 24/7 single parent makes my mind a little foggy at times. There are times when I think of him that I smile and remember the joy that his little life has brought to ours and to so many others. Then there are times, if I am honest, that I mourn my loss yet again. I think about what he should be doing at two months. What would he have looked like? Would Amelia love him? I am sure she would. I am trying to still piece together what the Lord is wanting to reveal to me through this season of life. It has been one of the most confusing and difficult seasons I have ever walked through. I know one thing He has revealed to me is that His strength is truly made perfect in my weakness. I can not explain it but I know He is holding me tight in His grip in the every day ebb and flow of my life. Every morning I wake up He gently reminds me that it is a day with new mercies. Thank goodness! I must admit that I don't always cling to those gentle reminders. Take yesterday for instance. It was the fourth day that Amelia and I had been just her and I since grandma left. She decided that it would be a day that she would wake up about 6:30am instead of 7:00am. Let me tell you, those 30 minutes can make a world of difference. So I rolled out of bed and accidentally knocked my water off the bedside table. At that moment God's gentle reminder was drowned out by my grumbling heart saying " Well isn't this just dandy, what a great day this will be." It then followed with a grumpy toddler that would not break from her sour mood for anything. She was probably feeding off of mommy's sour mood. :) So all day we fussed with one another and the day was just an off day. We both missed daddy like crazy. That afternoon, I was in need of some Starbucks coffee. I always go to a particular one near my house and I must confess I go a lot because they know who I am. I drove up to the window and the girl on the other side must have seen frustration written all over my face because she gently said, well at least it is the weekend. I smiled and drove away but inside I was thinking HAHAHAHA. If you are a military wife, a wife of a husband that works a lot and you might as well be a single mom or a single mom, let me ask you a question. Is there every anything called a weekend???? Weekends are supposed to be about rest, relaxation, family time. Instead in my life, I am constantly supposed to be on. There are no weekends when daddy is gone and I am to be everything that little girl needs. Where is my rest, who do I lean on???
Do nothing without grumbling and complaining but in everything rejoice and give thanks. There are just those days, that just does not come easy. I went home and that night I was talking to God and telling Him that I was failing and I could not do this. I miss my husband, I need him, I miss Shai, I don't know how to work through all of my feelings, how can I be a good mommy to Amelia in this time. What do I do??? How can I make this season of life something of worth, something that glorifies your name and makes this year a year of growth. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9
I am weary. How could I not be. If you have ever walked down a difficult road, whatever it may be, our bodies just grow weary and tired through the process. But again, there is hope!! I do have a place to go, where I can be completely honest and open with my feelings and let someone much bigger than I take the burden for me. Who is this much bigger being, Christ. If I want to make this year something great rather than something mediocre, I have to give this tired, weary body and mind back to God and allow him to bring strength, EVERY minute. That way when the strength comes and great things happen. He will get the praise and the glory. I don't want to live every day waiting for the sun to go down just for another day to come. I want to live in the rest and freedom that Christ brings into my life. I want this year to be life changing for my family, not just a year countdown to when we can start living again.
Anyway, that day was hard. I think about him almost every day. Maybe that sounds like I am a bad mommy but I must admit that becoming a 24/7 single parent makes my mind a little foggy at times. There are times when I think of him that I smile and remember the joy that his little life has brought to ours and to so many others. Then there are times, if I am honest, that I mourn my loss yet again. I think about what he should be doing at two months. What would he have looked like? Would Amelia love him? I am sure she would. I am trying to still piece together what the Lord is wanting to reveal to me through this season of life. It has been one of the most confusing and difficult seasons I have ever walked through. I know one thing He has revealed to me is that His strength is truly made perfect in my weakness. I can not explain it but I know He is holding me tight in His grip in the every day ebb and flow of my life. Every morning I wake up He gently reminds me that it is a day with new mercies. Thank goodness! I must admit that I don't always cling to those gentle reminders. Take yesterday for instance. It was the fourth day that Amelia and I had been just her and I since grandma left. She decided that it would be a day that she would wake up about 6:30am instead of 7:00am. Let me tell you, those 30 minutes can make a world of difference. So I rolled out of bed and accidentally knocked my water off the bedside table. At that moment God's gentle reminder was drowned out by my grumbling heart saying " Well isn't this just dandy, what a great day this will be." It then followed with a grumpy toddler that would not break from her sour mood for anything. She was probably feeding off of mommy's sour mood. :) So all day we fussed with one another and the day was just an off day. We both missed daddy like crazy. That afternoon, I was in need of some Starbucks coffee. I always go to a particular one near my house and I must confess I go a lot because they know who I am. I drove up to the window and the girl on the other side must have seen frustration written all over my face because she gently said, well at least it is the weekend. I smiled and drove away but inside I was thinking HAHAHAHA. If you are a military wife, a wife of a husband that works a lot and you might as well be a single mom or a single mom, let me ask you a question. Is there every anything called a weekend???? Weekends are supposed to be about rest, relaxation, family time. Instead in my life, I am constantly supposed to be on. There are no weekends when daddy is gone and I am to be everything that little girl needs. Where is my rest, who do I lean on???
Do nothing without grumbling and complaining but in everything rejoice and give thanks. There are just those days, that just does not come easy. I went home and that night I was talking to God and telling Him that I was failing and I could not do this. I miss my husband, I need him, I miss Shai, I don't know how to work through all of my feelings, how can I be a good mommy to Amelia in this time. What do I do??? How can I make this season of life something of worth, something that glorifies your name and makes this year a year of growth. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9
I am weary. How could I not be. If you have ever walked down a difficult road, whatever it may be, our bodies just grow weary and tired through the process. But again, there is hope!! I do have a place to go, where I can be completely honest and open with my feelings and let someone much bigger than I take the burden for me. Who is this much bigger being, Christ. If I want to make this year something great rather than something mediocre, I have to give this tired, weary body and mind back to God and allow him to bring strength, EVERY minute. That way when the strength comes and great things happen. He will get the praise and the glory. I don't want to live every day waiting for the sun to go down just for another day to come. I want to live in the rest and freedom that Christ brings into my life. I want this year to be life changing for my family, not just a year countdown to when we can start living again.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Little Things
I don't know if anyone still looks at this blog but I think I am going to continue writing in it during Pete's deployment. It has been so nice to just write out my thoughts.
It is hard to believe that it has been a month since we laid our sweet Shai to rest in the Veterans Cemetery. I can't believe how time just seems to fly by. It really does remind me how much my life is just a vapor, here for today and gone tomorrow. There are times that we laugh and everything seems so normal and then something happens to remind me of Shai and my heart longs to hold him in my arms. Those are the times I ask God to hold him a little tighter for me. We go out and visit his grave. It somehow brings peace to just have a place to sit and talk to him. His grave is almost covered with grass, when others have yet to sprout one piece. It makes me smile because it reminds me of the life God brings and how He has used Shai's life in great ways.
We are going into the last few days before Pete's deployment. Can I be honest? I am a bit nervous. It was just a short time ago that I said goodbye to my son and now my best friend and love is going into war yet again. Every army wife has a small fear in the back of their mind that their spouse might not come home. It is just a reality that we live with. It is a fear that must be laid at the feet of Jesus time and time again. After loosing Shai, my human nature comes out and I am afraid to loose Pete as well. I have even struggled with dreams of Pete not coming home. Yet again, I must trust the one I love into the hands of God. This seems to be the song of my life lately. Trust. Hope.
Through this journey with Shai, God is showing me that I am in control of nothing. When I try to control the circumstances in my life and try to make my life the way I desire it, I loose control. It is exhausting. The one thing I have learned and continue to learn as I read and trust is that God wants to be in control and He must be in control. I started thinking about the Lord's prayer and one part of that prayer says "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done." What do those words truly mean? If I am asking him to truly have his Kingdom and His Will come to earth in the here and now, I have to lay down my control and what I think would be best for it. That might mean temporary pain in the here and now, knowing that it will all work for a greater purpose. True peace comes from when I open my hands, lay out prostrate and tell him that my life is about His Kingdom coming and His will being done. My life is not my own, it was bought at a price. At the moment I tasted that sweet grace on my parched lips, I offered Him my life. It is no longer to be lived for myself but for Him alone. As I think about Shai, I think about that. When we lifted our hands to God and said your will be done, a peace surrounded us that was greater than anything I had ever experienced. We knew that our son was going to live a short life but we trusted that God's will would be done and we trusted that His will is good. The lives that have been touched by Shai remind me every day of what trusting God and laying down your will for His will can do. I am reading a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts", it has been a great read and one of the things she says is that " you have to look through the ugly to see the beautiful." Amen! When we trust God in every situation and lay EVERYTHING at His feet and thank Him for the beauty within the ugly we have joy and peace that goes beyond understanding.
All this to say, I don't know what God's will is for Pete. I must choose to focus on the truth and not the lies. I must not go down the bunny trail. The truth is, God does have a good and perfect plan for Pete's life. His will is the one we seek. We trust that God works everything out for those who love him. No matter what the future holds, God is holding our days and we can trust that God is good. God is holding both of our hands. I will miss him with every breath. He is my companion and I will miss having him beside me for this temporary time. I am honored to serve beside him. I could not feel more grateful to be his wife. Lord, your will be done. We will choose to trust. Please give us the strength when we have none. Show us mercy and remind us of who you are and continue to be.
It is hard to believe that it has been a month since we laid our sweet Shai to rest in the Veterans Cemetery. I can't believe how time just seems to fly by. It really does remind me how much my life is just a vapor, here for today and gone tomorrow. There are times that we laugh and everything seems so normal and then something happens to remind me of Shai and my heart longs to hold him in my arms. Those are the times I ask God to hold him a little tighter for me. We go out and visit his grave. It somehow brings peace to just have a place to sit and talk to him. His grave is almost covered with grass, when others have yet to sprout one piece. It makes me smile because it reminds me of the life God brings and how He has used Shai's life in great ways.
We are going into the last few days before Pete's deployment. Can I be honest? I am a bit nervous. It was just a short time ago that I said goodbye to my son and now my best friend and love is going into war yet again. Every army wife has a small fear in the back of their mind that their spouse might not come home. It is just a reality that we live with. It is a fear that must be laid at the feet of Jesus time and time again. After loosing Shai, my human nature comes out and I am afraid to loose Pete as well. I have even struggled with dreams of Pete not coming home. Yet again, I must trust the one I love into the hands of God. This seems to be the song of my life lately. Trust. Hope.
Through this journey with Shai, God is showing me that I am in control of nothing. When I try to control the circumstances in my life and try to make my life the way I desire it, I loose control. It is exhausting. The one thing I have learned and continue to learn as I read and trust is that God wants to be in control and He must be in control. I started thinking about the Lord's prayer and one part of that prayer says "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done." What do those words truly mean? If I am asking him to truly have his Kingdom and His Will come to earth in the here and now, I have to lay down my control and what I think would be best for it. That might mean temporary pain in the here and now, knowing that it will all work for a greater purpose. True peace comes from when I open my hands, lay out prostrate and tell him that my life is about His Kingdom coming and His will being done. My life is not my own, it was bought at a price. At the moment I tasted that sweet grace on my parched lips, I offered Him my life. It is no longer to be lived for myself but for Him alone. As I think about Shai, I think about that. When we lifted our hands to God and said your will be done, a peace surrounded us that was greater than anything I had ever experienced. We knew that our son was going to live a short life but we trusted that God's will would be done and we trusted that His will is good. The lives that have been touched by Shai remind me every day of what trusting God and laying down your will for His will can do. I am reading a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts", it has been a great read and one of the things she says is that " you have to look through the ugly to see the beautiful." Amen! When we trust God in every situation and lay EVERYTHING at His feet and thank Him for the beauty within the ugly we have joy and peace that goes beyond understanding.
All this to say, I don't know what God's will is for Pete. I must choose to focus on the truth and not the lies. I must not go down the bunny trail. The truth is, God does have a good and perfect plan for Pete's life. His will is the one we seek. We trust that God works everything out for those who love him. No matter what the future holds, God is holding our days and we can trust that God is good. God is holding both of our hands. I will miss him with every breath. He is my companion and I will miss having him beside me for this temporary time. I am honored to serve beside him. I could not feel more grateful to be his wife. Lord, your will be done. We will choose to trust. Please give us the strength when we have none. Show us mercy and remind us of who you are and continue to be.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Shai's Birthday
I just wanted to update the blog with the news of Shai's birth. I know many of you already know the story, so I apologize if I am repeating myself.
Shai Nelson Hathaway was born on April 4, 2011 at 4:33pm. He was 2 pounds 10 ounces and 15 1/2 inches long. The day started out very windy with many thunderstorms in the area. That is about what my heart felt like that morning. I could not sleep that well, so I woke up before anyone was awake and went out front. There is a huge open field in front of our house that has a couple of bushes scattered throughout. I knew it was not the time that I wanted to be disturbed, so I went and hid behind the bush. I don't know how to explain the feelings raging inside my heart at that time. All I knew was, I was afraid, worried and certainly not peaceful. I would even say that I pleaded with God to give me my baby. I started thinking about Christ and how He was overcome with emotions right before he was to be crucified for our, for my, sins. He asked that God take that cup from Him if it was His will but that He would press on if that was His will. He prayed with all of His heart before His father. I know Shai's death is nothing in comparison to what the death of Christ meant but I asked the same of God. Please, give me my Shai if it is your will but please give me the strength and trust to walk the other way if that is your will. I was still struggling with doubt about whether it was really time to take Shai. Was I rushing things because I was truly the most uncomfortable I have ever been or was God really saying it is time. I prayed that God would bring peace and acknowledgement that it was time.
So we headed to our last doctor appointment before Shai was to be born. I sat up on the table and listened to his precious heartbeat one more time. It was the perfect heartbeat. Dr. Louis then took my measurements. I had grown to a miraculous size of 42 weeks along in a pregnancy. WOW! I knew I was uncomfortable but I had no idea that I was measuring more than 10 weeks past what I was. For those that don't know about pregnancy, 42 weeks is the absolute longest they will let you go in a pregnancy. God had given me my sign that taking Shai was in His will, not mine. Dr. Louis sent me over to the hospital to get prepped for surgery. As I waited to be prepped for surgery, there was a time that I was the only one in the room. The clock read 3:15pm, 45 minutes before I was to go back. At that moment Shai was moving so fiercely that I couldn't breath because he was pushing on my organs. It was precious, it would be the last time I would feel him move with life. I prayed right then and there that God would just give us the briefest of time with him but I knew in my heart that I was going to trust God with my most precious gift, my son. Everyone came in and prayed with us and then Dr. Louis said it was time to rock and roll. Pete came back into the room when it was time and held my hand. It hurt my heart to know that he was hurting so deeply. In that moment though, I saw the excitement he had to meet his son. Dr. Louis told him to stand up and meet his son. He raised him up so that I could see and all I could think was, Shai, you are the most beautiful creation I have ever seen. We held him, cried, told him we love him, told him it was okay to go home to his Abba Father and 17 minutes later we let him go.
Our families were able to see him, hold him, rejoice him, grieve him and love us through the midst of all of it. It was truly beautiful. I do not make pretenses or hold the fake facade that we are not hurting. My heart has never hurt more my entire life. I miss Shai fiercely. I am saddened that I will never see him grow. I have never questioned my faith more. What I will say is that, we are trusting God. We know who He is and we will stand in the truth that He is good and will gently guide us through this time. I have seen His hand in everything thus far. I will probably never fully know why. What I do know is that sometimes you have to have faith and believe the unseen. God knows the full picture, I do not. I have to trust the one that does understand it all because I cannot. He gave us a beautiful 17 minutes and I could not feel more blessed to have felt his heartbeat next to mine even for the briefest of times. Those are the moments that I will carry with me forever. If you were to ask if we would have done anything different, here is what I would say. I regret nothing, absolutely nothing. Shai changed my life and in the best way ever. He has pushed me towards God in ways that I don't think would have been possible. I love my husband more deeply than I ever thought possible and I look at my daughter as the gift she is. God does move in mysterious ways but there are times He makes things very clear. Shai's life is bringing change and driving others to Jesus! I have attached a picture of Shai.
I am sorry so long. Thank you for your kindess. It was nice to get those words out.
Love,
Kristin
Shai Nelson Hathaway was born on April 4, 2011 at 4:33pm. He was 2 pounds 10 ounces and 15 1/2 inches long. The day started out very windy with many thunderstorms in the area. That is about what my heart felt like that morning. I could not sleep that well, so I woke up before anyone was awake and went out front. There is a huge open field in front of our house that has a couple of bushes scattered throughout. I knew it was not the time that I wanted to be disturbed, so I went and hid behind the bush. I don't know how to explain the feelings raging inside my heart at that time. All I knew was, I was afraid, worried and certainly not peaceful. I would even say that I pleaded with God to give me my baby. I started thinking about Christ and how He was overcome with emotions right before he was to be crucified for our, for my, sins. He asked that God take that cup from Him if it was His will but that He would press on if that was His will. He prayed with all of His heart before His father. I know Shai's death is nothing in comparison to what the death of Christ meant but I asked the same of God. Please, give me my Shai if it is your will but please give me the strength and trust to walk the other way if that is your will. I was still struggling with doubt about whether it was really time to take Shai. Was I rushing things because I was truly the most uncomfortable I have ever been or was God really saying it is time. I prayed that God would bring peace and acknowledgement that it was time.
So we headed to our last doctor appointment before Shai was to be born. I sat up on the table and listened to his precious heartbeat one more time. It was the perfect heartbeat. Dr. Louis then took my measurements. I had grown to a miraculous size of 42 weeks along in a pregnancy. WOW! I knew I was uncomfortable but I had no idea that I was measuring more than 10 weeks past what I was. For those that don't know about pregnancy, 42 weeks is the absolute longest they will let you go in a pregnancy. God had given me my sign that taking Shai was in His will, not mine. Dr. Louis sent me over to the hospital to get prepped for surgery. As I waited to be prepped for surgery, there was a time that I was the only one in the room. The clock read 3:15pm, 45 minutes before I was to go back. At that moment Shai was moving so fiercely that I couldn't breath because he was pushing on my organs. It was precious, it would be the last time I would feel him move with life. I prayed right then and there that God would just give us the briefest of time with him but I knew in my heart that I was going to trust God with my most precious gift, my son. Everyone came in and prayed with us and then Dr. Louis said it was time to rock and roll. Pete came back into the room when it was time and held my hand. It hurt my heart to know that he was hurting so deeply. In that moment though, I saw the excitement he had to meet his son. Dr. Louis told him to stand up and meet his son. He raised him up so that I could see and all I could think was, Shai, you are the most beautiful creation I have ever seen. We held him, cried, told him we love him, told him it was okay to go home to his Abba Father and 17 minutes later we let him go.
Our families were able to see him, hold him, rejoice him, grieve him and love us through the midst of all of it. It was truly beautiful. I do not make pretenses or hold the fake facade that we are not hurting. My heart has never hurt more my entire life. I miss Shai fiercely. I am saddened that I will never see him grow. I have never questioned my faith more. What I will say is that, we are trusting God. We know who He is and we will stand in the truth that He is good and will gently guide us through this time. I have seen His hand in everything thus far. I will probably never fully know why. What I do know is that sometimes you have to have faith and believe the unseen. God knows the full picture, I do not. I have to trust the one that does understand it all because I cannot. He gave us a beautiful 17 minutes and I could not feel more blessed to have felt his heartbeat next to mine even for the briefest of times. Those are the moments that I will carry with me forever. If you were to ask if we would have done anything different, here is what I would say. I regret nothing, absolutely nothing. Shai changed my life and in the best way ever. He has pushed me towards God in ways that I don't think would have been possible. I love my husband more deeply than I ever thought possible and I look at my daughter as the gift she is. God does move in mysterious ways but there are times He makes things very clear. Shai's life is bringing change and driving others to Jesus! I have attached a picture of Shai.
I am sorry so long. Thank you for your kindess. It was nice to get those words out.
Love,
Kristin
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Hope
I am the first one up this morning. We had a long drive back from Little Rock, AR last night. It is getting a little hard to sleep with my belly. I also have a lot on my mind. I remember a time when things were simple. Well, I look back on them now and they seem simple but back then they were huge issues. The biggest issue was what color slap bracelet was I going to wear, should I tie my shirt on the right or the left, what side should the pony tail come on. Then the 90's, what if that boy does not like me, should I scrunch my socks or should I pull them all the way to my knees, will I ever make a good friend, oh my goodness I have had my first heart break, or even how to pass 12th grade honors history. Even up unto late, I would not have considered myself to walk through many deep trials in my life. Sure, there have been trials but none that have challenged my faith in the way that Shai's diagnosis has brought.
There was a night in Little Rock that I could not sleep at all. It was the first night I felt like God was pushing me to read His word right then and there. The word hope kept running through my mind at marathon speed. Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope....... I have known this whole journey that Hope would be what we as a family would have to stand on but the feeling to pray for hope was so strong that night. Maybe it is because the last couple of days I have lost a little bit of hope. The pain seemed so intense that in the midst of it for a brief time, I lost hope. I know now that God was reminding me of hope and to hold on through this time. So there in that little space in the living room I told God that I was loosing hope and I am scared beyond belief. I told Him that I was not ready to walk this road and I was not ready to loose Shai.
He reminded me that He is in control and mighty. Psalm 24:1-2 says "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it. For He has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers." The earth, universe, all people, including Shai, are God's. Even though it seems quiet right now, He has not left us nor forsaken us. Then he reminded me of hope. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
We have hope in the midst of this heartache because God loves us and He is the God of creation. He is in control, nothing is chaos. We have hope that because of Christ's death on a cross, we will see our son again. He has not left us, he is going to be with His creator and we will rejoice with him when the time comes. We have hope that God will not leave us in this trial but use it to reach others and transform our own hearts. This is a refining fire that we are going through. If you have ever wondered what possible good could come through something devastating , it can. Pete and I will not be the same people after all of this is said and done. I have hope that God is refining and molding us through this time into something more beautiful than ourselves. We have hope that God will use this to show Himself mighty, good and loving.
These are the truths we will walk into the hospital with on Monday before we see our precious son. Shai's life will be rejoiced and it will be mourned. My heart aches but there is also joy in the ache. Our c-section is Monday at 4:00pm. Please pray that we can hold Shai for even 30 seconds before he is taken home. Pray that Amelia's heart would be protected. Please pray for the rest of our families and close friends as their hearts are hurting. Please pray for Pete as he has to have a root canal in the middle of this trial. Please pray for God's glory to shine bright. Pray that we can be used in the hospital during our time. Thank you for your constant love!
The Hathaway Family
There was a night in Little Rock that I could not sleep at all. It was the first night I felt like God was pushing me to read His word right then and there. The word hope kept running through my mind at marathon speed. Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope....... I have known this whole journey that Hope would be what we as a family would have to stand on but the feeling to pray for hope was so strong that night. Maybe it is because the last couple of days I have lost a little bit of hope. The pain seemed so intense that in the midst of it for a brief time, I lost hope. I know now that God was reminding me of hope and to hold on through this time. So there in that little space in the living room I told God that I was loosing hope and I am scared beyond belief. I told Him that I was not ready to walk this road and I was not ready to loose Shai.
He reminded me that He is in control and mighty. Psalm 24:1-2 says "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it. For He has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers." The earth, universe, all people, including Shai, are God's. Even though it seems quiet right now, He has not left us nor forsaken us. Then he reminded me of hope. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
We have hope in the midst of this heartache because God loves us and He is the God of creation. He is in control, nothing is chaos. We have hope that because of Christ's death on a cross, we will see our son again. He has not left us, he is going to be with His creator and we will rejoice with him when the time comes. We have hope that God will not leave us in this trial but use it to reach others and transform our own hearts. This is a refining fire that we are going through. If you have ever wondered what possible good could come through something devastating , it can. Pete and I will not be the same people after all of this is said and done. I have hope that God is refining and molding us through this time into something more beautiful than ourselves. We have hope that God will use this to show Himself mighty, good and loving.
These are the truths we will walk into the hospital with on Monday before we see our precious son. Shai's life will be rejoiced and it will be mourned. My heart aches but there is also joy in the ache. Our c-section is Monday at 4:00pm. Please pray that we can hold Shai for even 30 seconds before he is taken home. Pray that Amelia's heart would be protected. Please pray for the rest of our families and close friends as their hearts are hurting. Please pray for Pete as he has to have a root canal in the middle of this trial. Please pray for God's glory to shine bright. Pray that we can be used in the hospital during our time. Thank you for your constant love!
The Hathaway Family
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Change of Plans
Well, the time has come. I had been thinking that my stomach was getting bigger than it should. That was confirmed this morning at our doctor's appointment. I am a little over 30 weeks and I am measuring at 35 weeks. He sent us to a have a sonogram to confirm his suspicions. The sonographer was the same one we had before and we felt blessed that she was there for this one. She let us see every part of his precious body. We even got to see his huge feet. No joke, that kid has some mean kickers. Nothing has changed and the diagnosis remains the same. I also have way too much amniotic fluid. We went back and spoke with my doctor and he said that it is time to take Shai. We have been planning one final family vacation before we found out that will start next week. He has been gracious and let us go on that vacation. He says there is no immediate danger but Monday, April 4th, after our vacation, we will have our c-section.
I don't have much to say or write. My emotions are a little bit of everywhere. We have two precious weeks left with our Shai. He is beautiful and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for a brief time.
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
I love you Shai........
I don't have much to say or write. My emotions are a little bit of everywhere. We have two precious weeks left with our Shai. He is beautiful and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for a brief time.
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
I love you Shai........
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hard weekend, Good lesson
Just wanted to do our weekly update. We are 30 weeks along and I look like I am about 37. :) It has been painful because all of Shai is belly. Amelia sorta expanded everywhere. Shai looks like a gigantic basketball in my tummy. He does not move as much but neither did Amelia when she got to the 30th week. I am doing kick counts and he has his times of day that he moves. As always it is such a joy to feel those kicks. God has given us one extra little blessing with this pregnancy. I felt Amelia move but I never really saw her move. She was always in the back. With Shai, we are always seeing him move. It is the coolest thing ever. I am grateful to have the opportunity to see it. Our next appointment is a week from today. We will schedule our last sonogram at that time. We are excited to see him again. It has been a while.
This past weekend has been particularly hard for me. I am grateful that I have a loving and patient husband because I spent most of it an emotional basket case. Everything made me cry and I do mean everything. From a coffee commercial to a piece of ice that melted faster than I wanted it to, seriously. On a serious note, I believe the tragedy of the recent Japan quake and tsunami struck a lot of nerves with me. Looking at the devastated faces of those people reminded me of our upcoming loss. I can't believe we are down to the last six weeks. Our time with our precious Shai is drawing to a near on this earth. The reality of it all is hitting hard again. Then we went to church on Sunday and the pastor gave a sermon that struck a lot of things in my heart but something in particular to our situation. His talk was over pride vs. humility and he was looking at John the Baptist. The particular scripture he looked at was John 3:22-36. One of the things he mentioned was how John had this awesome ministry proclaiming Christ until He came. When Jesus came, everyone wanted to be with Jesus. That was a good thing. However, John could have kicked and screamed at loosing his ministry and fame. Instead he said that he must decrease so that Christ would increase. He had great humility. Okay at this point you might be saying, Kristin where are you going with this. Hang on for a minute. Our pastor then mentioned a quote from C.J. Mahoney when he was describing what pride was. I am only mentioning the last part because that is what struck me. He said that pride was refusing to admit to our need of God.
Here is a little background. I am a control freak. It is something I struggle with daily. I can fix anything in my life. I can make everything better. I have the strength to make it through anything. The problem is I am being prideful and I can't do those things. There is a scripture that says God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble. I believe that is one of the reasons this past weekend was so hard on me. I was not trusting God and trying to take it all onto myself. I wanted to fix Shai, stop my family from hurting, help the people in Japan, and stop Pete from deploying or put him in a plastic bubble where nothing can happen to him. After all, how can I loose Pete in Iraq after just loosing a child. Instead of taking my fear and worry to God, I relied on my own strength. You know where it got me. I ended up not sleeping more than an hour each night, crying about 4 hours each day, constant anxiety and nothing changing in our situation. I don't have the strength and when I try to muster it, I just end up tired and emotionally exhausted.
The bible tells me to cast all my worries on Him and He will carry my burdens. It also tells me to not lean own my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. I also desperately want the grace that He bestows when I humbly say that I am weak and need Him for every moment, every step and every breath. He longs to be the strength that I am thirsting for but I have to be willing to ask. So I did. Is the pain and worry still there. Yeah, but it is not as intense because I keep taking it back to Him. Pain and hurt is real. It is part of being human. However, it is what I choose to do with it that is my decision. I can try to bottle it up and deal with it myself and cause a lot of unneeded stress or I can cast my cares upon Him and let Him deal with all the details. It truly has brought more peace these last few days. As far as Pete goes, He is in God's hands. He is a precious creation of His and I need to trust that God has Him in His big hands as well.
Sorry so long. I just wanted to share what I learned. Thanks for being such a support.
This past weekend has been particularly hard for me. I am grateful that I have a loving and patient husband because I spent most of it an emotional basket case. Everything made me cry and I do mean everything. From a coffee commercial to a piece of ice that melted faster than I wanted it to, seriously. On a serious note, I believe the tragedy of the recent Japan quake and tsunami struck a lot of nerves with me. Looking at the devastated faces of those people reminded me of our upcoming loss. I can't believe we are down to the last six weeks. Our time with our precious Shai is drawing to a near on this earth. The reality of it all is hitting hard again. Then we went to church on Sunday and the pastor gave a sermon that struck a lot of things in my heart but something in particular to our situation. His talk was over pride vs. humility and he was looking at John the Baptist. The particular scripture he looked at was John 3:22-36. One of the things he mentioned was how John had this awesome ministry proclaiming Christ until He came. When Jesus came, everyone wanted to be with Jesus. That was a good thing. However, John could have kicked and screamed at loosing his ministry and fame. Instead he said that he must decrease so that Christ would increase. He had great humility. Okay at this point you might be saying, Kristin where are you going with this. Hang on for a minute. Our pastor then mentioned a quote from C.J. Mahoney when he was describing what pride was. I am only mentioning the last part because that is what struck me. He said that pride was refusing to admit to our need of God.
Here is a little background. I am a control freak. It is something I struggle with daily. I can fix anything in my life. I can make everything better. I have the strength to make it through anything. The problem is I am being prideful and I can't do those things. There is a scripture that says God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble. I believe that is one of the reasons this past weekend was so hard on me. I was not trusting God and trying to take it all onto myself. I wanted to fix Shai, stop my family from hurting, help the people in Japan, and stop Pete from deploying or put him in a plastic bubble where nothing can happen to him. After all, how can I loose Pete in Iraq after just loosing a child. Instead of taking my fear and worry to God, I relied on my own strength. You know where it got me. I ended up not sleeping more than an hour each night, crying about 4 hours each day, constant anxiety and nothing changing in our situation. I don't have the strength and when I try to muster it, I just end up tired and emotionally exhausted.
The bible tells me to cast all my worries on Him and He will carry my burdens. It also tells me to not lean own my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. I also desperately want the grace that He bestows when I humbly say that I am weak and need Him for every moment, every step and every breath. He longs to be the strength that I am thirsting for but I have to be willing to ask. So I did. Is the pain and worry still there. Yeah, but it is not as intense because I keep taking it back to Him. Pain and hurt is real. It is part of being human. However, it is what I choose to do with it that is my decision. I can try to bottle it up and deal with it myself and cause a lot of unneeded stress or I can cast my cares upon Him and let Him deal with all the details. It truly has brought more peace these last few days. As far as Pete goes, He is in God's hands. He is a precious creation of His and I need to trust that God has Him in His big hands as well.
Sorry so long. I just wanted to share what I learned. Thanks for being such a support.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Funeral Homes
Pete was supposed to fly to Alabama today to drop off an Apache helicopter. He would have been gone all day and possibly through the night. God knew my anxious heart however and Pete did not end up flying to Alabama today because of bad weather. Why did I have an anxious heart? We are now 7 weeks away from delivering Shai. We had not, until today, went and visited funeral homes to find out who would take care of our precious son's body after he goes home to be with the Lord. Pete has had so much to do at work, with deployments, that we have had no time to visit. For some reason the need to visit has been pressing hard on my heart and God knew. Pete called this morning and said " Lets go look at funeral homes because I am not flying and don't have anything else planned." God answers even the silent prayers of our hearts.
We visited two that have been suggested. Is there ever a "good" day to do this process. Both were kind, compassionate and helpful. What a blessing they both offered when they said that there is no charge for any of their services when it is an infant. The only costs will be the gravesite, casket and any other things we might want. Then one of them asked the question, "are you emotionally ready to see the caskets." Am I emotionally ready to see the caskets? Hmmm....no......but I don't think I will ever be. There is no time like the present, "let's go." I stood in this closet where they were housed and was amazed. They are so tiny that they fit into a standard walk in closet. She pointed politely to the one she thought might suit our needs. It was at that point my head starting spinning and for a second I thought I might pass out. Okay, breathe, God is with you, even now. God give me the strength, I can't do this without you. The tears starting welling and I said, "so this is it." I can not imagine how many grieving mothers and fathers have stood in that same position with the same spinning and aching feeling surging through their bodies. If you are one of those that has stood in that position, I am truly sorry. There is no pain I have felt that is greater. As we left those funeral homes I asked Pete what he thought. He said he just wants the best for Shai. It will be the last physical gift we will give him and we want it to be precious. Oh Lord, the cords of death are entangling us.
We don't know which funeral home we will go with as of yet. We do know the process now and are grateful that both options are welcoming. I truly believe they will take the best care of Shai and our family after he is out of our hands.
I was driving home from having lunch with Pete and the lies starting creeping. Was it because I am a bad mother to Amelia? I know I have messed up? Do I not love her enough? Am I not pointing her to God as much as I should? I should have known that I needed more folic acid in my diet? What did I do God? Just tell me?? These questions come into my mind more than I would like. They tear at my soul. When you become a mother all you want to do is protect, nurture and love your child. When I found out about Shai, I instinctively felt like I had done something terribly wrong and let my child down. I wanted to hold tight to the belief that it was all in my control. The truth is, God is in control. He has known Shai long before Pete or I knew of his existence. He has cared for and created him in my womb. He knows the last moment when Shai will take his last breath on this earth. Shai is His creation, created for His purposes. There are some things in this life that are not caused by our immediate actions. They happen because we live in a fallen and broken world. There is hurting, pain and evil. As Job says in the bible "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Life is in God's hands. Job was blameless when EVERYTHING was taken away from him, yet he still speaks the words above. He knew who God was and he trusted Him. God never told Job the full reason for his trials and suffering, He just reminded Job of who He was. That is the kind of faith I am seeking. I may never have the answer to "why" but God is always reminding me of who He is.
"I love you, O Lord, my strength, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so I shall be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18: 1-3
We visited two that have been suggested. Is there ever a "good" day to do this process. Both were kind, compassionate and helpful. What a blessing they both offered when they said that there is no charge for any of their services when it is an infant. The only costs will be the gravesite, casket and any other things we might want. Then one of them asked the question, "are you emotionally ready to see the caskets." Am I emotionally ready to see the caskets? Hmmm....no......but I don't think I will ever be. There is no time like the present, "let's go." I stood in this closet where they were housed and was amazed. They are so tiny that they fit into a standard walk in closet. She pointed politely to the one she thought might suit our needs. It was at that point my head starting spinning and for a second I thought I might pass out. Okay, breathe, God is with you, even now. God give me the strength, I can't do this without you. The tears starting welling and I said, "so this is it." I can not imagine how many grieving mothers and fathers have stood in that same position with the same spinning and aching feeling surging through their bodies. If you are one of those that has stood in that position, I am truly sorry. There is no pain I have felt that is greater. As we left those funeral homes I asked Pete what he thought. He said he just wants the best for Shai. It will be the last physical gift we will give him and we want it to be precious. Oh Lord, the cords of death are entangling us.
We don't know which funeral home we will go with as of yet. We do know the process now and are grateful that both options are welcoming. I truly believe they will take the best care of Shai and our family after he is out of our hands.
I was driving home from having lunch with Pete and the lies starting creeping. Was it because I am a bad mother to Amelia? I know I have messed up? Do I not love her enough? Am I not pointing her to God as much as I should? I should have known that I needed more folic acid in my diet? What did I do God? Just tell me?? These questions come into my mind more than I would like. They tear at my soul. When you become a mother all you want to do is protect, nurture and love your child. When I found out about Shai, I instinctively felt like I had done something terribly wrong and let my child down. I wanted to hold tight to the belief that it was all in my control. The truth is, God is in control. He has known Shai long before Pete or I knew of his existence. He has cared for and created him in my womb. He knows the last moment when Shai will take his last breath on this earth. Shai is His creation, created for His purposes. There are some things in this life that are not caused by our immediate actions. They happen because we live in a fallen and broken world. There is hurting, pain and evil. As Job says in the bible "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." Life is in God's hands. Job was blameless when EVERYTHING was taken away from him, yet he still speaks the words above. He knew who God was and he trusted Him. God never told Job the full reason for his trials and suffering, He just reminded Job of who He was. That is the kind of faith I am seeking. I may never have the answer to "why" but God is always reminding me of who He is.
"I love you, O Lord, my strength, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so I shall be saved from my enemies." Psalm 18: 1-3
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Love One Another
"Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action." 1Jn 3:4
I have said time and time again how amazed we are by all the prayers and support we have recieved. It blows me away. It brings a strength in our lives that makes me cry humbly before the Lord. People we don't even know have shown us the love of Christ in one of our darkest times. I am a full believer that God shows himself through the actions of those who love him. God has used people to comfort and bring hope in this time. I say this because something was given to us last night that goes beyond my words and will mean more to us than those that put it together will ever know. By our precious church family we were given a box to hold the precious things of Shai. It was beautiful. Inside was the most beautifully made baby blanket and a scrapbook filled with letters from people who have shown abundant love to our family and to our precious son, Shai. They gave us something precious, they rejoiced in Shai's life. They made it clear that he is important, unique, and most importantly a creation by God. I think I write this time and time again but my hope is that Shai's life would be acknowledged and rejoiced no matter how short that life is. They have done this in a mighty way. Thank you!
To all of you who have stood with us, prayed for us, reminded us of scripture, sent cards and just sat with us. You have not just loved us with meaningless words. You have loved us with truth and action. You are living out the gospel for us. We have seen the greatness of God because of your love. He has shown us Himself through your actions. We are reminded of who He is because of the truth you impart. We can never thank you enough. Thank you for pointing us always to the cross and God's promises. There is nothing that brings us greater strength!
Here are a few of those items from the box!
Thank you Father for answering a prayer and giving us the strength to stand in this time. Thank you for friends and the comfort they bring.
I have said time and time again how amazed we are by all the prayers and support we have recieved. It blows me away. It brings a strength in our lives that makes me cry humbly before the Lord. People we don't even know have shown us the love of Christ in one of our darkest times. I am a full believer that God shows himself through the actions of those who love him. God has used people to comfort and bring hope in this time. I say this because something was given to us last night that goes beyond my words and will mean more to us than those that put it together will ever know. By our precious church family we were given a box to hold the precious things of Shai. It was beautiful. Inside was the most beautifully made baby blanket and a scrapbook filled with letters from people who have shown abundant love to our family and to our precious son, Shai. They gave us something precious, they rejoiced in Shai's life. They made it clear that he is important, unique, and most importantly a creation by God. I think I write this time and time again but my hope is that Shai's life would be acknowledged and rejoiced no matter how short that life is. They have done this in a mighty way. Thank you!
To all of you who have stood with us, prayed for us, reminded us of scripture, sent cards and just sat with us. You have not just loved us with meaningless words. You have loved us with truth and action. You are living out the gospel for us. We have seen the greatness of God because of your love. He has shown us Himself through your actions. We are reminded of who He is because of the truth you impart. We can never thank you enough. Thank you for pointing us always to the cross and God's promises. There is nothing that brings us greater strength!
Here are a few of those items from the box!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
C-Section is a go
We saw Dr. Louis on Tuesday and he has agreed to schedule a c-section. Shai's birthday will be May 2, pending on any changes that may happen. He also informed us that we will get one more sonogram at 30 weeks. That is encouraging, we would really like to see our son one more time before he is born. Dr. Louis got a little nervous because he couldn't find Shai's heartbeat as fast as he usually can. I knew it was there because Shai had been moving around like crazy all that morning. He finally found it. I knew he would, a mother just knows.
One of my concerns is the day Shai will be born. He will be born on the week of Mother's Day. I cannot begin to express how that makes me feel. It is a complex set of emotions that I am not sure how to work out.
Pete will be leaving for Iraq two weeks after the funeral. Please pray for him as he will have to leave his family after loosing his son. I can not imagine some of what he must be feeling. I know he is being placed in a unique situation. There are several Christians that will be there with him and that brings me great joy and peace. I know he will not be alone.
Just wanted to post a small update on things!
One of my concerns is the day Shai will be born. He will be born on the week of Mother's Day. I cannot begin to express how that makes me feel. It is a complex set of emotions that I am not sure how to work out.
Pete will be leaving for Iraq two weeks after the funeral. Please pray for him as he will have to leave his family after loosing his son. I can not imagine some of what he must be feeling. I know he is being placed in a unique situation. There are several Christians that will be there with him and that brings me great joy and peace. I know he will not be alone.
Just wanted to post a small update on things!
Monday, February 21, 2011
This Little Light of Mine
We have another doctor's appointment tomorrow at 11:00am. We have two pressing questions that we want to ask Dr. Louis about Shai. We have done some research and have discovered that these little ones have more of a chance of survival outside the womb if there is a c-section. It makes sense considering they do not have a skull to help them out of the birth canal. It is less stressful on them if a c-section is performed. Don't get me wrong, many have been known to live through a natural birth, it is just that more seem to survive more if there is a c-section. So Pete and I have prayed and we have decided that is the kind of birth we would like. If we can increase the chances of his survival for even a minute then it is worth it to us. We want to hold him in our arms and be able to say goodbye and tell him that we love him. In the end we know God has full control. We are going to ask Dr. Louis tomorrow if he will perform a scheduled c-section. The great thing about that is, more of our family and friends could be present and that is really important to us. If at all possible we would like those closest to us to see and hold Shai before he goes home to our Lord. The other request is that we would like to have a 4-D sonogram done of Shai, for two reasons. The first is, we would love to see our little one with the detail those sonograms provide. The other is, we would like to get a grasp on the severity of his physical deformities before he is born. We would like to be prepared as much as we can be. We know we can't fully know but that is a way we can get an idea. The place we want to use requires a doctor recommendation so we need our doctor's approval.
I also wanted to share this little revelation that God showed me the other day. Amelia and I routinely go for walks with her wagon when Pete is at work. I try to sing kid friendly praise songs, though I don't know many. :) One of my favorites is "This Little Light of Mine". I was singing and one of the phrases stood out so sharply that I stopped singing and started praying. The phrase is "Don't let satan blow it out, I'm going to let it shine, don't let satan blow it out, I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine." This might sound silly but the verse Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. " Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy. He is always lurking and wants our view to be taken off who God is and put in a place that allows him to blow our light out. He has pressed hard in our family over the last few weeks to blow our light out and intend harm for us through the diagnosis of Shai. He wants to blow our light out for Christ so that we might not see all the great things that God could do through these circumstances. We have already seen and heard so many testimonies of how Shai's life has reached out to others and touched their lives. How it has encouraged their faith and spurred them on in a difficult trial they have to face. It has renewed and deepened their faith. I cannot express how comforting those testimonies are in this time. To know that God is already using something that satan intends for harm and making it into something beautiful. God has our family in His big hands as I have said time and time again. He is right here with us and He is already showing himself mighty. Our little Shai is already touching lives for the Lord and he is not even outside my womb. PRIASE GOD!! My biggest prayer is that Shai would touch lives and cause others to see a bigger picture. To see a God who is mighty, strong and a redeemer. Thank you God for taking something meant for evil and allowing us to already see some of the good you have planned. I needed that reminder because the days can get long but God knew that and provided that truth for me.
Thank you as always for your prayers and support. We have seen what it truly means to be in fellowship. We feel a deep peace knowing that we are not walking this road alone.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Difficult Day
Today has been one of those days. All our family has left and there has been plenty of time to really be by myself. I didn't realize how much being alone would bring about more thoughts. It's funny, the time we have right now with Shai brings nothing but joy and peace. I love feeling him move and now I can see him move. I love watching my belly grow and how Amelia loves to run up and hug Shai. She is only 15 months old but when I ask her where Shai is, she immediately runs to my belly and hugs it. I feel so blessed that the Lord has given her some sense of understanding in regards to Shai. It still hurts that she will not really remember her brother or his short life. Those little things make that knowledge a little easier.
It is so hard when I take the time to think about the birth. I have never watched the life of someone leave their bodies let alone the precious life of my own child. I will be honest, that is where my faith is at times shaken. It scares me, the unknown of knowing what that process will look like. The last thing I want is for him to suffer more than I would like him to. Will I have the strength to watch his life leave from my very arms. I know that God has an ultimate plan, a great plan. It is a plan I can not see in full at this time and I might never see it to the fullest but it has been so hard the last couple of days to believe the verse that in ALL things God works together for good those who love Him. Can I be honest? There are times that I selfishly want to say, "I don't care what the plan is", I want to watch Shai grow up. I want to see him play baseball with his dad. I want to kiss his wounds and watch him grow up. I want to see him grow into the man I always dreamed of him being. I confess, my heart is not always the bedrock of strength. :) Praise God that we have a father that constantly meets us right where we are. It's in those times that I am reminded of who He is and the strength He gives. A friend reminded me of an encouraging verse. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As we trust and have faith that God is who He says He is and that He has a plan that works together all things for our good, His very spirit will give us the joy, strength, and peace we so desperately need at this time. He is a God who brings HOPE. Hope in the midst of fear and desperation. Even now as I write these words with my heavy heart, that truth lightens the load and brings about peace.
I will end with this calming view of Shai's life leaving this earth. A precious friend told me this once and she is right. Shai is in the warmth and closeness of my womb. He can feel my heartbeat and movements. It is peaceful. He is not experiencing the pains and hurts of this fallen world. He will come into the world and God willing have a brief time to spend with us before he heads straight into the arms of Christ. He will meet the very God who created the universe and his precious life. He will walk the streets of gold and never experience living in this fallen world. His body will be perfect and he will spend eternity is peace, love, laughter and the praising of our GOD! AMEN! He gets to go home and be with his ABBA father!
If you read this post, thanks. I just needed to write through some emotions. -God Bless-
It is so hard when I take the time to think about the birth. I have never watched the life of someone leave their bodies let alone the precious life of my own child. I will be honest, that is where my faith is at times shaken. It scares me, the unknown of knowing what that process will look like. The last thing I want is for him to suffer more than I would like him to. Will I have the strength to watch his life leave from my very arms. I know that God has an ultimate plan, a great plan. It is a plan I can not see in full at this time and I might never see it to the fullest but it has been so hard the last couple of days to believe the verse that in ALL things God works together for good those who love Him. Can I be honest? There are times that I selfishly want to say, "I don't care what the plan is", I want to watch Shai grow up. I want to see him play baseball with his dad. I want to kiss his wounds and watch him grow up. I want to see him grow into the man I always dreamed of him being. I confess, my heart is not always the bedrock of strength. :) Praise God that we have a father that constantly meets us right where we are. It's in those times that I am reminded of who He is and the strength He gives. A friend reminded me of an encouraging verse. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As we trust and have faith that God is who He says He is and that He has a plan that works together all things for our good, His very spirit will give us the joy, strength, and peace we so desperately need at this time. He is a God who brings HOPE. Hope in the midst of fear and desperation. Even now as I write these words with my heavy heart, that truth lightens the load and brings about peace.
I will end with this calming view of Shai's life leaving this earth. A precious friend told me this once and she is right. Shai is in the warmth and closeness of my womb. He can feel my heartbeat and movements. It is peaceful. He is not experiencing the pains and hurts of this fallen world. He will come into the world and God willing have a brief time to spend with us before he heads straight into the arms of Christ. He will meet the very God who created the universe and his precious life. He will walk the streets of gold and never experience living in this fallen world. His body will be perfect and he will spend eternity is peace, love, laughter and the praising of our GOD! AMEN! He gets to go home and be with his ABBA father!
If you read this post, thanks. I just needed to write through some emotions. -God Bless-
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I Will Carry You
Just wanted to let everyone know how the doctors visit went with Shai. Sorry it has taken so long to post. Pete and I went on a nice trip to Spokane Washington. I am still in love with that state.
Shai is doing as well as expected. His heart beat was 150bpm and he is moving around consistently. I am a little small, which is expected. I am not retaining amniotic fluid, praise GOD! Doctor Louis scheduled us another appointment in a month from now on February 22. We are blessed to have more time with this sweet boy.
We are about to start the process of picking a funeral home and setting up the arrangements for the funeral. I have to admit, I do not want to walk this part. How do we pick out a casket for our child. It is so unnatural. Their are so many questions they will want answered and all I want to do is run and hide in the deepest parts of somewhere far away. Again, God will give us the strength to walk this part. He has with every part and decision thus far. We trust Him. He will carry us through this valley of darkness. He will walk us beside still waters and calm our fearful and aching hearts.
The lead singer of Selah and his wife had a daughter they decided to carry to term even thought the prognosis was death. They walked the road, trusted God and gave their little girl back into His hands shortly after her birth. He wrote a beautiful song to document their decision. It is called "I will carry you". I have attached the link for anyone that might want to listen. I have also copied the lyrics below. It truly captures how Pete and I feel. His wife, Angie Smith, has also written a book called "I will carry you" which has been a comforting read in this time. If you ever have the time, I encourage you to read their story. It is beautiful to see how God took something devastating and turned into something wonderful.
Thank you again for all of the prayers, love and support. We can not thank everyone enough. Please know your prayers for peace are working.
"I Will Carry You"
There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
The song can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc
Shai is doing as well as expected. His heart beat was 150bpm and he is moving around consistently. I am a little small, which is expected. I am not retaining amniotic fluid, praise GOD! Doctor Louis scheduled us another appointment in a month from now on February 22. We are blessed to have more time with this sweet boy.
We are about to start the process of picking a funeral home and setting up the arrangements for the funeral. I have to admit, I do not want to walk this part. How do we pick out a casket for our child. It is so unnatural. Their are so many questions they will want answered and all I want to do is run and hide in the deepest parts of somewhere far away. Again, God will give us the strength to walk this part. He has with every part and decision thus far. We trust Him. He will carry us through this valley of darkness. He will walk us beside still waters and calm our fearful and aching hearts.
The lead singer of Selah and his wife had a daughter they decided to carry to term even thought the prognosis was death. They walked the road, trusted God and gave their little girl back into His hands shortly after her birth. He wrote a beautiful song to document their decision. It is called "I will carry you". I have attached the link for anyone that might want to listen. I have also copied the lyrics below. It truly captures how Pete and I feel. His wife, Angie Smith, has also written a book called "I will carry you" which has been a comforting read in this time. If you ever have the time, I encourage you to read their story. It is beautiful to see how God took something devastating and turned into something wonderful.
Thank you again for all of the prayers, love and support. We can not thank everyone enough. Please know your prayers for peace are working.
"I Will Carry You"
There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
The song can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc
Monday, January 24, 2011
Kicker Shai
We just wanted to post a little update on how Shai is doing as of late. He LOVES to kick and move. His kicks are getting stronger day by day. Pete was finally able to feel him kick for the first time this week. I believe it was really special for him. You would think those kicks would be a painful reminder of what lays ahead for Shai and our family but it actually makes my heart joyful to feel each and every one. Every kick means we have another precious day with Shai. I have grown to look forward to the times when he moves inside.
We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 10:30a before Pete and I leave for our trip to Washington state. I have to admit these appointments tend to spring up a little apprehension in my heart. I can have some control issues and I want to be able to make everything okay. We trust that God has his precious, little life in His BIG hands. Please pray that everything looks good and that I am not starting to retain too much amniotic fluid. That is a problem that can arise with these little ones when they are in the womb. They do not have the brain function to swallow the fluid like normal babies. That means I can start to retain too much fluid and have to deliver Shai earlier than planned or expected.
Several people have asked me if we believe that God can heal Shai and if He will. I have pondered on this question and prayed fervently for Shai's healing. I DO believe that God is fully capable of healing little Shai. He is the same God that created the universe and all within it. He has done miracles from the Old Testament to the New Testament. So YES, GOD IS ABLE!!! However, I also know that God is bigger than I am and sees a far greater picture than I do. Pete and I work in the children's ministry at our church on Sundays. We are beginning to study Mark and the lesson we had this past week is about how Jesus forgives and heals the paralytic man whose friends brought him to Jesus. It can be found in Mark 2: 1-13. What great faith those friends had to believe that if they could just get their friend to Jesus, he would be healed. They carried him all the way to see Jesus and then lowered him through the roof because they could not get through the crowds any other way. Jesus did not do what they expected however, he did something greater! He forgave the man of his sins because He saw his great faith. When questioned about his authority to do these things, he healed the man of his physical ailments. The first and most important thing Jesus did was to forgive this man and allow him to have eternity with God. As I have looked at miracles in the bible, the purpose was always to bring God glory and make His name known. So here is how I see it. If Shai's life can bring God the most glory by being short but precious and valuable, then so be it. If Shai's life can bring Him the most Glory by being healed miraculously, then wonderful! No matter what, we want Shai's life on this earth to have meaning and purpose. This has not always been easy to grasp on this journey so far. I want to see my child grow and be a part of his wonderful life on this earth. We cry many tears for the life that we will probably not get to see. We continue to trust in who God is and the fact that He has a plan for our lives and Shai's life that is far greater than we can think or imagine.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. They truly have brought us so much comfort in this time of our lives!
We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 10:30a before Pete and I leave for our trip to Washington state. I have to admit these appointments tend to spring up a little apprehension in my heart. I can have some control issues and I want to be able to make everything okay. We trust that God has his precious, little life in His BIG hands. Please pray that everything looks good and that I am not starting to retain too much amniotic fluid. That is a problem that can arise with these little ones when they are in the womb. They do not have the brain function to swallow the fluid like normal babies. That means I can start to retain too much fluid and have to deliver Shai earlier than planned or expected.
Several people have asked me if we believe that God can heal Shai and if He will. I have pondered on this question and prayed fervently for Shai's healing. I DO believe that God is fully capable of healing little Shai. He is the same God that created the universe and all within it. He has done miracles from the Old Testament to the New Testament. So YES, GOD IS ABLE!!! However, I also know that God is bigger than I am and sees a far greater picture than I do. Pete and I work in the children's ministry at our church on Sundays. We are beginning to study Mark and the lesson we had this past week is about how Jesus forgives and heals the paralytic man whose friends brought him to Jesus. It can be found in Mark 2: 1-13. What great faith those friends had to believe that if they could just get their friend to Jesus, he would be healed. They carried him all the way to see Jesus and then lowered him through the roof because they could not get through the crowds any other way. Jesus did not do what they expected however, he did something greater! He forgave the man of his sins because He saw his great faith. When questioned about his authority to do these things, he healed the man of his physical ailments. The first and most important thing Jesus did was to forgive this man and allow him to have eternity with God. As I have looked at miracles in the bible, the purpose was always to bring God glory and make His name known. So here is how I see it. If Shai's life can bring God the most glory by being short but precious and valuable, then so be it. If Shai's life can bring Him the most Glory by being healed miraculously, then wonderful! No matter what, we want Shai's life on this earth to have meaning and purpose. This has not always been easy to grasp on this journey so far. I want to see my child grow and be a part of his wonderful life on this earth. We cry many tears for the life that we will probably not get to see. We continue to trust in who God is and the fact that He has a plan for our lives and Shai's life that is far greater than we can think or imagine.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. They truly have brought us so much comfort in this time of our lives!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Learning to be thankful in the midst of darkness
It has been astounding to see how much love that people have shown to our family over the last few days. It has truly amazed Pete and I. One of the greatest comforts comes from the saddest of stories. I can not believe how many mothers and fathers have had to grieve the same thing that Pete and I have. The stories that others have shared have reminded me of the blessings that God has given me and His goodness to walk us through this journey. These are the kinds of stories that make your heart long for Christ to return and restore all things new. We want everyone to know how grateful we are for the love, prayers and support. They have meant more to us than you will ever know. I am reminded of the verse in Philippians 4 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Because of your prayers and petitions for us before God, Pete and I have a peace that would not be possible without them. This used to be one of my favorite verses but as of late it has become a hard verse to live out. Not the part about bringing your requests before God but providing thanksgiving as well. What?? Thanksgiving! My heart hurts, my husband is hurting, our daughter will never know her precious brother, Pete is still leaving for Iraq after Shai is born. What is there to be thankful for. That is just laying it out bare with where my heart is at times. However, the Lord has ever so gently through others stories and his loving spirit, reminded me of the things that I am so thankful for. Praise Him that I have the most calm, sincere, loving, patient, God fearing and God loving husband. There is no one I would rather walk this road than with him by my side. Praise God that I have been given the gift of a healthy child. Amelia is a beautiful, loving, stubborn, smart, FUNNY, cuddly girl that I can not imagine life without. There are couples that long to hold their own child and God has given Pete and I that opportunity. Praise God that He has allowed us the opportunity to carry our precious Shai. He is ours and God is allowing us to carry him and be a part of his short life. What a joy that we have this time. Praise Him that He is already showing His glory through Shai's life by touching other people. I have to allow myself to see the joy to work through the pain. Pain and trials are a part of this fallen world. However we have a God that allows those trials to grow and mold us into something far greater than ourselves. Shai is causing a growth in our hearts that would not be possible without his existence. What a powerful testimony for God he has and he is still in my womb. I will not pretend that the hurt is not deep. There are moments the tears don't stop and the darkness surrounds us in the worst of ways. I am just saying that God is there and is giving us a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
My Heart and Flesh May Fail
Okay, I have to be honest. The last few days have been like walking through a terrible yet peaceful dream. Pete and I are completely at peace with our decision to carry Shai until the Lord takes him home but my heart still aches like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel this precious baby moving in my womb and kicking me as hard as possible, reminding me that he is still there. It feels amazing yet hurts more deeply than words can express. The question of "Why" has come more into my thoughts. Why would God allow us to carry this baby and then take him back into His arms. This and the fear of what the future holds have kept me so awake over the last couple of nights I am a walking zombie in the day time. The nights are the hardest. It is the time my heart and mind go wild with thought. I know with all my heart that God is good, faithful, merciful, loving and sovereign but at times that does not seem to comfort my grieving heart. Like the Psalms say " My heart and flesh my fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Oh how my heart has failed to believe sometimes and the grief comes over me so hard and fast I don't think I can survive. However, all I can repeat lately is that God is my strength and my portion. It is all I can say at times as the pain drifts back to my heart again. God give me strength to take one more step to be the mother to the first precious child you have blessed me with. I still have to survive, I still have a daughter and a husband that need my time, attention and love. I can not be swallowed up by the depths of grief to never come up and see the light. I love Shai and I am so blessed that I am feeling him move inside my womb. Blessed be to God that I can still feel my precious baby move. Oh God, give us the strength to trust you and place one foot in front of the other.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Our Sweet Boy
Pete and I have had many loops thrown at us over the last few months. First he was going to move to a new position and company in the army, then he would deploy over the summer on his own, to you will be deploying with your current unit in a few months. There is a saying I like to say about the army "It is was it is." Nothing ever stays the same. I never thought our personal life would be thrown for such a loop. We were so excited when we discovered that we would have a new little addition that would be constant. We prayed for this new little one and asked God to be over its forming and growth. We knew it would be difficult with Pete deploying but God remains faithful and is always with us. So it came time when we would be able to find out the sex of the baby. We could not be more excited to see our little one, it had been twelve weeks since the last look. We received a phone call from the nurse at our OBGYN informing us that one of our tests came back abnormal which meant that our little one could have the mildest of genetic cases to the worst of genetic cases. Our hearts sank and we cried out to God. They did a sonogram and we were devastated to find that our little one has a hole in his upper spine along with not having a formed brain or skull. The prognosis is death. The birth defect is called Anencephaly and it is rare. Our hearts fell but we knew like the psalmist said that God had "Created Shai's most inmost being; He knit him together in my womb. We praise Him because Shai is fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13 The doctor informed us that we had two decisions. The first one meant having a needle pierced into Shai's heart and then induce labor or the other one was try to carry to term. Now you might think this is a no thought situation but when you are in the midst of hearing that you will lose your baby within minutes of delivering them ,your mind goes into a million different directions. However we were again reminded of who God is. He is the creator of the universe, he is all knowing and all powerful. He is also right there in the midst of our suffering, weeping beside us. We also know that He has a plan and purpose for Shai no matter how short lived that life might be. Before we even knew Shai was a boy we decided on his name. I loved the name because it meant "Gift of God". Shai is our precious "Gift of God" and we have decided to fully put his life into the hands of the one who created him and knew him before we did. So we will be updating this blog with all news of Shai. Thank you for prayers and thoughts! Love, the Hathaway's
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